Why You Shouldn't Buy Into Parenting Trends by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Nowadays, it seems that there’s a parenting trend for every letter of the alphabet. News feeds, blogs, and posts are often flooded with the newest way of parenting your baby, toddler, school-aged child, or teenager, and every approach may have its pros and cons in a unique way (I feel that parenting adult children should also have a category, but we’ll talk about that another day). With every trend, however, comes a critique, which can be difficult to swallow if you’re already jumped on the latest-parenting-trend-bandwagon. There are lots of different ways to approach parenting, and today’s article will focus on some of the reasons for how and why not to buy into the trends. 

Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Anybody who has kids will agree with acknowledging that your children all have their unique personalities. I remember as a child, and I also happen to be a firstborn, thinking that one of my younger brothers got away with everything…that brother also happened to be a very headstrong child. The point here being, the parenting approach my parents took with my siblings and I slightly varied with each child. There are five of us, which means five unique personalities, accomplishments, achievements, and pet peeves. 

Not every child is your child. The parent who is raving about “gentle parenting” on Instagram is the parent to her or his child, not yours. Well what does that mean? Yes, there are child specialists who base their methods off of research, etc., but even then - not every method will work for every kid. This reiterates and re-emphasizes that individuals only can apply those parenting skills to their own children, not to the children of the world. Each child will have her or his own reaction to various methods of disciplining, rewarding, and implementing consequences. 

Eclectic is the way to go. Eclecticism is something that we discuss in modalities of therapy, which basically means taking a little bit of every approach and integrating it into one. For example, if you really like some of the techniques used in “love and logic,” you can pick and choose what you would use from that approach, blend in some “1-2-3,” and integrate other aspects of attachment-focused, per se. This way, you’re not bound to one parenting trend/style and can be lenient with the various methods that you feel will work best for your kiddo(s). At the end of the day, you know your child best, and will be the best person to get a feel for what approaches will or will not work.

All in all, if you feel that your parenting capabilities, stress levels, or child rearing responsibilities are affecting your mental health, seek guidance with one of our therapists at Niyyah Counseling. Many of our highly experienced professionals are parents themselves, and have also worked with clients who are parents on numerous occasions. Help is a click away if you need it - parenting is something we can connect to each other on. At the end of the day, it is the most challenging yet most rewarding job in the world; we at Niyyah Counseling are here to support you.

How to Actually Support Your Black Friends During Black History Month by Amanda Young, LCSW

Black history month was designed to highlight, celebrate and educate others of past and present African American figures who contributed to African American (blacks) culture. Black History month was first coined as Negro history week by Carter Woodson who intention was to highlighted the achievements of African Americans in Febuary and the history. It appears that African Americans are often questioned about why they get a month to celebrate Black history. Given that African Americans have contributed so much to history, one “short” month doesn’t do them justice. There cannot be history if African Americans are not a part of it.  By recognizing and bringing the works of African Americans who might not be famous to light, gives everyone the opportunity to appreciate and acknowledge their hard work.

In today’s world we all have or will come in contact with someone of color. In our classroom, work environments, social lives, personal lives and families.  No matter where we go, there is a chance that we will become friends with someone of African descent. Having a diverse group of friends can be good and fun but there will be challenging times that test your friendship.  When navigating our relationships with our Black friends it is important to understand and acknowledge the challenges they are faced with everyday. 

During these times we might not understand how it feels or what African Americans are thinking mentally because we may have never experienced their walk on any level. Some tips that will help get you started in learning how to assist your friend through black history month and beyond are listed below.

1. Acknowledge your privilege, bias and -isms first!

2. Make a conscious effort to understand Black history

3. Connect with key spoken people of the African American community and immerse into that community.

4. Cultural Humility-self reflect and self critique your own beliefs. Examine your own cultural identities.

5. Be more open to listen and learning instead of talking and disputing

6. Educate, Appreciate but don’t appropriate 

7. Research about hidden figures that contributed to African American culture who might not be well known.

8. Do not remain silent in the face of racism

9. Get involved with changing policy through petitions, protest and advocacy

10. Buy from Black own business

11. Expand your mind and have empathy toward African Americans

12. Holding others accountable and challenging them on the things that they say or their own beliefs such as family and friends.

13. Join organizations of African Americans professionals

14. Be apart of a group discussion

15. Mentor and educate youth, our future

16. Most importantly, get comfortable with being uncomfortable with having discussions regarding race.

Although there might be more you can do, the list above is a start. If you have friends and colleagues, blended family, etc the best thing you can do is ask them how and in what ways you can support them. Either you are part of the problem or part of the solution. You choose. Here at Niyyah Counseling PLLC, we have a diverse group of therapists ready to support you in any way we can. Contact us today!!

Are You a Victim of Gaslighting? by Kara Bradford, LCDC, LMSW

What is gaslighting? Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that one person inflicts on another. Over time, gaslighting can cause one to question their own values, beliefs, and perceptions of reality. This leads to the possibility of one to have diminished self-confidence and/or self-esteem, making them completely dependent upon the person that is gaslighting them. The term ‘gaslighting’ was influenced by the movie “Gaslight” released in the 1940s that followed the life of a husband who intentionally isolated and manipulated his wife with the intention of institutionalizing her for his benefit. 

What are gaslighting behaviors? Gaslighting is distinctly different from someone expressing their opposing view on something, lying to you, or telling you that you are wrong about something–it is a deliberate attempt to gain control. Some behaviors to look out for would be:

• Twist events in a way that shift blame on you 

• Apathetic to your needs and concerns, painting the picture that you are “too sensitive,” or “crazy.”

• Refuse to acknowledge facts, especially from your perspective

• Deny your recollection of events or argue that you said or did something that you, in fact, did not say or do. 

• Verbally convey their mistrust about your beliefs, feelings, behaviors, or state of mind, to others.

People who gaslight are typically trying to preserve their self-fulfilling prophecy and validate themselves. Gaslighters tend to believe that their perception of reality is the only reality and when they can manipulate others to question their own reality, it gives them a feeling of superiority and control over somebody else. These beliefs and behaviors are forms of narcissism and sociopathic tendencies. 

Are you a victim of gaslighting? It may be difficult to identify gaslighting behaviors, especially if you have been a victim of them for quite some time. There may be some behaviors that you, yourself, have begun to exhibit. Some signs that you may be experiencing gaslighting are:

• The belief that you cannot do anything right or taking blame in situations that didn’t go as planned or as imagined

• Loss of self-confidence or lowered self-esteem

• Feeling disconnected from who you thought you were

• Continuously feeling hopeless, frustrated, or numb

• Frequently being preoccupied with making sure that you have done everything correctly

• Make decisions to please others above yourself

• Isolating yourself from or lying to loved ones to avoid conflict

• Participating very little (or not at all) in hobbies or things you enjoy.

Experiencing these things daily over time can have a serious negative impact on your mental health and your ability to trust yourself. The behaviors listed above are red flags that you are experiencing emotional and psychological abuse. Seasoned gaslighters know that they cannot manipulate you 100% of the time, so they will mix in some positive reinforcements and compassionate acts to keep you invested in the relationship.

If you believe you have been a victim of gaslighting, reach out to a friend, a trusted loved one, or a mental health professional for help. There are people who can and who want to help you. Recovery from gaslighting is possible and the team at Niyyah can walk with you through finding peace within. Reach out today!

What Happens When You Call a Crisis Hotline? by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Crisis hotlines are often non-profit organizations catered to provide immediate, temporary relief to those in crises. Some of the common ones include the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the National Domestic Violence Hotline. There are typically several other chapters locally within one’s metroplex which are catered to serve within a specific geographic area. If you haven’t called a crisis hotline before, what happens when you do call one? Read on below to find out more about what to expect if you ever pick up the phone and have to call for guidance, support, or assistance. 

Assessment

When you first call a crisis hotline, you will of course be asked to share your demographic information, such as name, address, phone number, etc. Afterward, you may be assessed for several different factors. One of the primary things included here would be asking you a series of questions to determine if you are safe. Safety can be analyzed according to asking about suicidality or if you feel safe in your home. In the event that you are unsafe due to being in close proximity to a perpetrator, you will be asked a series of close-ended questions so you are not required to speak in detailed sentences where the abuser can figure out that you are trying to seek help. If you are unsafe for reasons of feeling suicidal, you will be asked whether or not you have a plan or if you have access to any means to implement your thought-out strategy. If the hotline representative seems that you are unsafe, he or she will assist you in determining an immediate way to bring you to safety. 

Safety Plan

A safety plan is something we very frequently create, implement, and utilize in therapy. The purpose of a safety plan, quite like it sounds, is to ensure there is a plan in place to keep you safe in times of heightened stress. Safety plans include sections for you to recognize your internal triggers, external triggers, warning signs, coping strategies, and people you can trust and rely on to speak to for help. 

Referrals

When you call a crisis hotline, you will be given some referrals within your zipcode to utilize in supporting you going forward. If the hotline representative feels that you should be referred for a mental health assessment due to alcoholism or substance abuse for example, you will receive referrals for different places in your area which provide this service and assistance. You may also be provided with information on domestic violence shelters if you’re in an abusive relationship or mobile crisis units if you’re at risk of harming yourself. 

At Niyyah Counseling, we are experienced in working with a variety of populations, and each one of our therapists has a specialty which can be geared toward working with you and your specific needs. If you make the decision to seek therapy with us, we also will assess your safety and any other immediate concerns in the initial session. Whether you decide to call a crisis hotline or come to us for support, know that you will receive the support you need along the way.

Resources: 

• https://www.apa.org/topics/crisis-hotlines

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - (800) 273-8255

• National Sexual Assault Hotline - (800) 656-4673

• National Domestic Violence Hotline - (800) 799-7233

Specific Exercises to Help Relieve Anxiety by Connor Cohen, LMSW

Anxiety can feel overwhelming, and at times incredibly difficult to manage. Anxiety can have our brain ruminating on past mistakes or looking forward to the worst that is yet to come. Sometimes it feels like our brain just goes off on it’s own, turning down corridors that lead to panic and fright and we are simply along for the ride. But what if there were activities that would allow us to regain that sense of control? Well, we’re in luck! Follow these exercises to reduce panic and regain control over that brain of ours!

Step 1: Something you are already familiar with but with purpose: Chances are, if you are reading this you already know how to complete this first exercise. In fact, you are doing it right this very second! While reading an online article about coping mechanisms and skills is a wonderful way to learn and pass the time, that’s not quite what I meant. I mean breathing! It’s funny how something so vital to our survival can be the same thing that never really crosses our mind. Breathing is a wonderful way to address anxiety, but there is a catch! We’re not talking about the classic in, out, in, out breathing that you are doing while reading these words. We’re talking about breathing with a purpose. Breathing to calm a nervous nervous system. There are many great ways to practice helpful breathing techniques but one of my favorites is the 5,7,8 technique. To use this technique, simply breathe in slowly through your nose for 5 seconds. Hold that breath for 7 seconds and then slowly release the breath through your mouth for 8 calming seconds. Then just repeat as many times as you would like! I personally go for about 3-4 rounds of this breathing technique when I feel anxious. 

Step 2: Visualize your calm: The mind is a powerful thing! Often more powerful than we give it credit for. At night, our brains can conjure up fantastical faraway lands, during the day, our brain is in charge of…well pretty much everything we do. Even though our anxious thoughts feel out of our control at times, we can utilize our brain's power to engage with a sense of calmness.  Try visualizing your favorite place, a place where you feel calm and comfortable, secure and safe. For some, it’s somewhere on a beach or in bed, for other’s their calm place is out amidst nature. The key here is to really sell the scene. Focus on the sounds you would hear in your calm place, can you feel the warmth of the sun or a big blanket? Really challenge all 5 senses to imagine that place.

Step 3: Exercise of…well exercise: I’ve said it before in an article and I’ll probably say it again, but I believe that the universal law that energy can neither be created nor destroyed is as true on a macro, universal level as it is at a micro, personal level. Our anxious energy has to go somewhere. Moving the body is a wonderful way to relieve the physical symptoms of anxiety and it can even reduce the non-physical symptoms as well! Next time you are anxious, try engaging with your body and doing a progressive muscle relaxation exercise. Start by making a fist and squeezing, notice the tension building as you increase the pressure on your hand and notice the sensation or relaxation as you slowly release the pressure. Next try this with other parts of your body that carry tension in your anxious moments like your shoulders, legs or feet. 

Step 4: Reach out: For this last helpful tip, I don’t mean the actual physical action of reaching out to grab something, though stretching can be wonderful for anxiety, I mean reaching out for help if you or a loved one feels overwhelmed by anxiety. Our wonderful therapists here at Niyyah Counseling can help guide you through these and other wonderful techniques to reduce anxiety’s impact and hold on your life. 

How to Begin Healing From Relationship Trauma by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Relationships are a natural, developmental, and transitional part of life; it is often a life goal to be in a healthy, loving, and stable relationship. We humans often spend our lives searching and waiting for “the one.” For a variety of reasons, however, relationships can end up being traumatic, which leaves an impact or scar for the person on the receiving end. Healing from relationship trauma can be draining, an emotional roller coaster, and can leave a person feeling lost and confused. In the following, you’ll learn more about how to begin the process of you’ve been affected by a traumatic relationship, or how to help someone you know who has been impacted by one.

The past is the past. Acknowledge that the traumatic relationship has ceased, and be grateful that you are safe and sound. Though easier said than done, it can be tricky to move on from something which was once your emotional investment, but acceptance is the first step. Remembering that the past has occurred, there is nothing that can be done to change it, and that mistakes will be learned from is the key to moving forward. You may find yourself being triggered by seeing couples around you or by the commercialization of Valentine’s Day everywhere you turn. Remember though, that staying in the past can lead to depression, and focusing on the future is a precursor for anxiety.

Every relationship is not this one. Your mindset is very powerful in determining your future. As human beings, we need connection, and eventually, the time for a new relationship will come. Whenever this time does come, one of the most important things you can tell yourself is that no two relationships are the same. Defining all future relationships by the traumatic one you have experienced is going to be a harmful way of thinking, and may lead to unhealthy patterns going forward. A new relationship is going to be a fresh start - do make sure you take your time in healing from the past one before you step foot in another. Rushing into a relationship due to feeling incomplete, alone, or dissatisfied will not be healthy for you or your partner. 

Have faith. Have faith in life and in your future. Pray, reflect, ponder over the number of people there are in the world, and think about how there ought to be someone, somewhere out there who is destined for you. Not all relationships are traumatic; yes, there are indeed some very toxic ones. Nonetheless, knowing the warning signs of unhealthy relationships will be of benefit for you to utilize either for yourself or for someone else.

If you feel that you are struggling to heal from your relationship trauma and need assistance in moving forward, don’t hesitate to reach out to us at Niyyah Counseling. We have highly experienced therapists who will work with you through identifying and getting past the trauma from your toxic relationship. Additionally, if you experienced domestic violence in your relationship or feel unsafe, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 right away. You do not have to walk this journey alone, and support is just a click away.

How COVID Has Also Become a Mental Health Pandemic by Connor Cohen, LMSW

Living in the age of Covid-19 has been difficult! Who would have thought that a once in a lifetime pandemic could be so tough! As we’ve gone on, we’ve adjusted, we’ve adapted and we have persevered! We have adjusted to a new sense of normalcy, we have adapted to new work habits and changes, and we have persevered through times of uncertainty and loss. 

This pandemic has taught us a lot over time, we have learned to care for ourselves and our neighbors, we’ve learned to come together as a community, and we have learned to cherish the time that we have.

Another crucial lesson that this pandemic has taught us is the importance of mental health. The increase in stress from working at home while taking care of kids, the anxiety that comes with a justifiable reason to stay in more and the depressive thoughts about the pandemic lasting longer than we would like all highlight mental health struggles associated with Covid-19. The facts are, we as a people are stressed. Having a job and paying bills is stressful, taking care of our loved ones can be stressful, life is generally kinda stressful at times. 

Notice how I didn’t mention the pandemic? That is it’s own special kind of stress. Pandemic stress compounds on the everyday stress of being a human. Are you stressed about your doctor’s appointment? Well now we’re stressed about your doctor’s appointment in a pandemic. The way I like to think of it is that our stress tolerance is like a table. The stressors of life are like books stacked on top of each other on that table. One book might be about our job, another about our family and relationships, a third might be about car troubles we had recently. The idea is that the legs of the table are generally strong enough to support our stressors. Meaning we can generally handle stressors that impact our life with our learned coping skills and behaviors. The pandemic however is like if someone dropped a huge rock on our table on top of all of our books. It feels like it’s not supposed to be there. It’s hard to talk about our car troubles without dealing with or acknowledging the giant rock in the middle of our table. On top of that, problems and stressors that may not have seemed so big are now being weighed down by the weight of the rock. The truth of the matter is that mental health care was needed before the pandemic and in the age of Covid-19 it is becoming a necessity.

Here at Niyyah we understand that these are unprecedented times that we find ourselves in. If you or a loved one are struggling with stress, anxiety or feelings of despair, we are here to help. Our team of therapists can help you navigate the complexities of everyday life stress and pandemic stress. We are all in this together and together we can continue to persevere.

Coping with Anxiety About Aging by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Aging is a part of life that some of us struggle to accept. Whether that comes from your perspective of gender norms and expectations, situational factors of where you are in life currently, or cultural implications laid out for you by generations and generations, aging can be very triggersome. See below a variety of reasons for anxiety caused by aging, and how to cope with them accordingly.

Acceptance. The first step in coping with anxiety about anxiety is accepting that age is inevitable. Is there anything you can do to stop the aging process? No. Is there a way you can go back in time and be [insert ideal age here] again? Not quite. Would it be healthier for you to accept, embrace, and acknowledge that with every age, there are new and unique life circumstances and things to look forward to? Most definitely. Although acceptance is easier said than done, it is a crucial part of coping with anxiety related to aging, and potentially the most important part as well.

Culture - be realistic. Coming from a culture in which every other  woman is “20 years old (no, I’m not kidding),” aging is much more than just taboo - it’s avoided altogether. Personally speaking, the culture in which I come from is dismissive of aging in women, to the extent that women are out of touch with their age completely. Throughout my own life, I’ve tried not to let those cultural implications affect me or have a role in my thought process, which has been very helpful. A client who was struggling with accepting her age once told me she was watching a TV series, in which a 54-year-old character stated, “Who says 50 is old? We have 30 years ahead of us.” Sometimes, it’s the little things in life that really make sense and sit with us when we least expect them to.

Societal norms - choose your company wisely. As a society, there are expectations to go to college, get married, and have children, etc., all by a particular age. The truth of the matter is, not everyone follows this track record, and aging can be a real trigger for those who don’t happen to go through these rites of passage by chance. Surrounding yourself with people who are in similar situations, and are not habitual of probing into your life choices or circumstances will be very helpful for you going forward.

Gender - stay present. If you’re a female, aging is potentially affecting you more than it would affect males. As females, we do have a biological clock that ticks every second of the day, impacting the decision of whether or not we want to have children. If you’re a female who is struggling with aging due to wanting to have children, my best advice is to remember that it will happen when it does…have faith, either in your higher power or in life itself, and do your best to stay positive despite the circumstance…live in the present moment.

All in all, you may find that aging is something you’ve struggled to come to terms with for awhile, or it may be a newfound stressor in your life. Despite the reasons, Niyyah Counseling is an open door for you to discuss your worries, beliefs, and difficulties. Remember that you can turn to either of our wonderful therapists for support and guidance. We are a click, phone call, or text message away.

How People with a Disability Can Ask for Better Support by Connor Cohen, LMSW

Asking for help can be difficult. This is especially true if people assume you can’t do something. Each and every day, individuals with disabilities defy expectations and accomplish what some say could not be done. Speaking from my own experience living with a disability, people can be quick to offer up help, even when it is not needed. So what do you do, in those moments when a helping hand is truly needed?

Step one: Understand you. You know you. You know you better than anyone else knows you. So trust and listen to yourself. As the expert of your own life, you know your abilities better than most people.

Step two: Understand your needs. Take some time to assess and ask yourself what it is you need, in this moment or in the future. Do you need assistance from a specific person or a group of people. Is it personal support you need or is it support on a larger scale such as governmental or societal? 

Step three: Understand your barriers. There can be a lot of barriers that stop those of us with a disability from the support we need and the support we deserve. Some barriers are placed there on our own accord, others by the larger community we find ourselves in. For example, perhaps a feeling of pride stops you from asking for help, maybe there is this deeper desire to prove that you can handle yourself and accomplish what needs to be done. On the other hand, maybe societally help is few and far between, perhaps your local government reduced the disability payment from social security, or they canceled a program that assisted you with transportation thus leading you to have less access to than before. 

Step four: Ask. Use your voice. The old saying of the squeaky wheel getting the oil is true. No one will know what you need if you suffer in silence, change is slow for the riverbed but fast if you are like the rushing stream.

Step five: Accept. In life we will be told no or not right now many times in our life, especially if we need to ask for help and support. Just because you are given a no as an answer does not mean that you must carry it with you forever. The same holds true for when we are successful in our desire for support. One helpful hand can change a life but consistent help can change the world. A universal truth to life is the concept of change, it may be slow and it may not always be the change we desire but alas change arrives. The situation of yesterday is not guaranteed to be the situation of tomorrow. The problems of today can look different under the light of a new day. 

Step six: Communicate feedback. Whether you are given the help and support you need or you are denied, this is a chance for you to use your voice. How could help have been better? How was the help well…helpful? This is your opportunity to mold that help and shape it into what you need from your perspective.

Step seven: Know that help is there for those that seek it. If you or a loved one are struggling with feeling support, our team here at Niyyah is here to help. Sometimes the most important step in getting the help you need is letting someone know.

Couples Therapy and Age by Kara Bradford, LCDC, LMSW

When thinking about couples therapy and whether or not there is an appropriate age to participate in it, I believe it’s safe to say that you’re never too old for couples therapy; however, it may be a different story for younger couples. Let me explain. 

When it comes to minors that are in relationships, there are things to consider for couples therapy: parent/guardian involvement and maturity of partners. Due to minors not having the ability to consent to treatment, the therapist or counselor would need consent from each minor’s parents. Additionally, in most states, parents/guardians have the right to accompany the minor in therapy or have access to client records. This fact alone could cause the individuals not to be completely honest with the therapist or their partner, which is essential in couples therapy. Another thing to consider is the maturity of the young couple; sometimes this is evident in behavior, but we also know from research that the prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision making and higher level thinking) is not fully developed until the age of 25. Does this mean that couples shouldn’t attend therapy until they’re 25? No, it’s just something to consider when thinking about successful completion of treatment.

 For couples who are considering marriage, there’s no definitive age, studies just suggest that premarital counseling produces greater relationship satisfaction than couples who do not seek premarital counseling. It is beneficial for couples to participate in couples counseling to learn important communication skills, effective problem solving skills, and make sure that their individual values align before entering into marriage. Couples counseling is a great way to learn more about your partner and a safe place to explore taboo topics with the help of a therapist.

For couples who may be entering a new relationship late in life, it’s never too late for couples counseling! There’s no reason for someone to feel as if they have to take what they can get later in life because “there’s no changing them at this age.” Why would you ever expect less effort to be put into a relationship just because you’re “too old?” Everyone deserves satisfaction with their relationships.

For couples who have been a couple for 10+ years can still benefit from couples counseling. Why? People change. Roles change. Responsibilities change. Though the relationship may be with the same person for all of this time, couples who have been together for decades have experienced different seasons of life which required adapting. Some relationships adapt better than others. Agreeing to couples counseling does not have to mean that the relationship is in trouble, it can be to help couples smoothly transition in and out of seasons of life. 

In summary, age is not so much the issue as to when to seek couples counseling, it is more about the goal of the relationship at the time. There are many different reasons as to why couples could participate in couples counseling, and no one is ever too young or too old to deserve satisfaction in their relationship.