How to Begin Healing From Relationship Trauma by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Relationships are a natural, developmental, and transitional part of life; it is often a life goal to be in a healthy, loving, and stable relationship. We humans often spend our lives searching and waiting for “the one.” For a variety of reasons, however, relationships can end up being traumatic, which leaves an impact or scar for the person on the receiving end. Healing from relationship trauma can be draining, an emotional roller coaster, and can leave a person feeling lost and confused. In the following, you’ll learn more about how to begin the process of you’ve been affected by a traumatic relationship, or how to help someone you know who has been impacted by one.

The past is the past. Acknowledge that the traumatic relationship has ceased, and be grateful that you are safe and sound. Though easier said than done, it can be tricky to move on from something which was once your emotional investment, but acceptance is the first step. Remembering that the past has occurred, there is nothing that can be done to change it, and that mistakes will be learned from is the key to moving forward. You may find yourself being triggered by seeing couples around you or by the commercialization of Valentine’s Day everywhere you turn. Remember though, that staying in the past can lead to depression, and focusing on the future is a precursor for anxiety.

Every relationship is not this one. Your mindset is very powerful in determining your future. As human beings, we need connection, and eventually, the time for a new relationship will come. Whenever this time does come, one of the most important things you can tell yourself is that no two relationships are the same. Defining all future relationships by the traumatic one you have experienced is going to be a harmful way of thinking, and may lead to unhealthy patterns going forward. A new relationship is going to be a fresh start - do make sure you take your time in healing from the past one before you step foot in another. Rushing into a relationship due to feeling incomplete, alone, or dissatisfied will not be healthy for you or your partner. 

Have faith. Have faith in life and in your future. Pray, reflect, ponder over the number of people there are in the world, and think about how there ought to be someone, somewhere out there who is destined for you. Not all relationships are traumatic; yes, there are indeed some very toxic ones. Nonetheless, knowing the warning signs of unhealthy relationships will be of benefit for you to utilize either for yourself or for someone else.

If you feel that you are struggling to heal from your relationship trauma and need assistance in moving forward, don’t hesitate to reach out to us at Niyyah Counseling. We have highly experienced therapists who will work with you through identifying and getting past the trauma from your toxic relationship. Additionally, if you experienced domestic violence in your relationship or feel unsafe, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 right away. You do not have to walk this journey alone, and support is just a click away.

How COVID Has Also Become a Mental Health Pandemic by Connor Cohen, LMSW

Living in the age of Covid-19 has been difficult! Who would have thought that a once in a lifetime pandemic could be so tough! As we’ve gone on, we’ve adjusted, we’ve adapted and we have persevered! We have adjusted to a new sense of normalcy, we have adapted to new work habits and changes, and we have persevered through times of uncertainty and loss. 

This pandemic has taught us a lot over time, we have learned to care for ourselves and our neighbors, we’ve learned to come together as a community, and we have learned to cherish the time that we have.

Another crucial lesson that this pandemic has taught us is the importance of mental health. The increase in stress from working at home while taking care of kids, the anxiety that comes with a justifiable reason to stay in more and the depressive thoughts about the pandemic lasting longer than we would like all highlight mental health struggles associated with Covid-19. The facts are, we as a people are stressed. Having a job and paying bills is stressful, taking care of our loved ones can be stressful, life is generally kinda stressful at times. 

Notice how I didn’t mention the pandemic? That is it’s own special kind of stress. Pandemic stress compounds on the everyday stress of being a human. Are you stressed about your doctor’s appointment? Well now we’re stressed about your doctor’s appointment in a pandemic. The way I like to think of it is that our stress tolerance is like a table. The stressors of life are like books stacked on top of each other on that table. One book might be about our job, another about our family and relationships, a third might be about car troubles we had recently. The idea is that the legs of the table are generally strong enough to support our stressors. Meaning we can generally handle stressors that impact our life with our learned coping skills and behaviors. The pandemic however is like if someone dropped a huge rock on our table on top of all of our books. It feels like it’s not supposed to be there. It’s hard to talk about our car troubles without dealing with or acknowledging the giant rock in the middle of our table. On top of that, problems and stressors that may not have seemed so big are now being weighed down by the weight of the rock. The truth of the matter is that mental health care was needed before the pandemic and in the age of Covid-19 it is becoming a necessity.

Here at Niyyah we understand that these are unprecedented times that we find ourselves in. If you or a loved one are struggling with stress, anxiety or feelings of despair, we are here to help. Our team of therapists can help you navigate the complexities of everyday life stress and pandemic stress. We are all in this together and together we can continue to persevere.

Coping with Anxiety About Aging by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Aging is a part of life that some of us struggle to accept. Whether that comes from your perspective of gender norms and expectations, situational factors of where you are in life currently, or cultural implications laid out for you by generations and generations, aging can be very triggersome. See below a variety of reasons for anxiety caused by aging, and how to cope with them accordingly.

Acceptance. The first step in coping with anxiety about anxiety is accepting that age is inevitable. Is there anything you can do to stop the aging process? No. Is there a way you can go back in time and be [insert ideal age here] again? Not quite. Would it be healthier for you to accept, embrace, and acknowledge that with every age, there are new and unique life circumstances and things to look forward to? Most definitely. Although acceptance is easier said than done, it is a crucial part of coping with anxiety related to aging, and potentially the most important part as well.

Culture - be realistic. Coming from a culture in which every other  woman is “20 years old (no, I’m not kidding),” aging is much more than just taboo - it’s avoided altogether. Personally speaking, the culture in which I come from is dismissive of aging in women, to the extent that women are out of touch with their age completely. Throughout my own life, I’ve tried not to let those cultural implications affect me or have a role in my thought process, which has been very helpful. A client who was struggling with accepting her age once told me she was watching a TV series, in which a 54-year-old character stated, “Who says 50 is old? We have 30 years ahead of us.” Sometimes, it’s the little things in life that really make sense and sit with us when we least expect them to.

Societal norms - choose your company wisely. As a society, there are expectations to go to college, get married, and have children, etc., all by a particular age. The truth of the matter is, not everyone follows this track record, and aging can be a real trigger for those who don’t happen to go through these rites of passage by chance. Surrounding yourself with people who are in similar situations, and are not habitual of probing into your life choices or circumstances will be very helpful for you going forward.

Gender - stay present. If you’re a female, aging is potentially affecting you more than it would affect males. As females, we do have a biological clock that ticks every second of the day, impacting the decision of whether or not we want to have children. If you’re a female who is struggling with aging due to wanting to have children, my best advice is to remember that it will happen when it does…have faith, either in your higher power or in life itself, and do your best to stay positive despite the circumstance…live in the present moment.

All in all, you may find that aging is something you’ve struggled to come to terms with for awhile, or it may be a newfound stressor in your life. Despite the reasons, Niyyah Counseling is an open door for you to discuss your worries, beliefs, and difficulties. Remember that you can turn to either of our wonderful therapists for support and guidance. We are a click, phone call, or text message away.

How People with a Disability Can Ask for Better Support by Connor Cohen, LMSW

Asking for help can be difficult. This is especially true if people assume you can’t do something. Each and every day, individuals with disabilities defy expectations and accomplish what some say could not be done. Speaking from my own experience living with a disability, people can be quick to offer up help, even when it is not needed. So what do you do, in those moments when a helping hand is truly needed?

Step one: Understand you. You know you. You know you better than anyone else knows you. So trust and listen to yourself. As the expert of your own life, you know your abilities better than most people.

Step two: Understand your needs. Take some time to assess and ask yourself what it is you need, in this moment or in the future. Do you need assistance from a specific person or a group of people. Is it personal support you need or is it support on a larger scale such as governmental or societal? 

Step three: Understand your barriers. There can be a lot of barriers that stop those of us with a disability from the support we need and the support we deserve. Some barriers are placed there on our own accord, others by the larger community we find ourselves in. For example, perhaps a feeling of pride stops you from asking for help, maybe there is this deeper desire to prove that you can handle yourself and accomplish what needs to be done. On the other hand, maybe societally help is few and far between, perhaps your local government reduced the disability payment from social security, or they canceled a program that assisted you with transportation thus leading you to have less access to than before. 

Step four: Ask. Use your voice. The old saying of the squeaky wheel getting the oil is true. No one will know what you need if you suffer in silence, change is slow for the riverbed but fast if you are like the rushing stream.

Step five: Accept. In life we will be told no or not right now many times in our life, especially if we need to ask for help and support. Just because you are given a no as an answer does not mean that you must carry it with you forever. The same holds true for when we are successful in our desire for support. One helpful hand can change a life but consistent help can change the world. A universal truth to life is the concept of change, it may be slow and it may not always be the change we desire but alas change arrives. The situation of yesterday is not guaranteed to be the situation of tomorrow. The problems of today can look different under the light of a new day. 

Step six: Communicate feedback. Whether you are given the help and support you need or you are denied, this is a chance for you to use your voice. How could help have been better? How was the help well…helpful? This is your opportunity to mold that help and shape it into what you need from your perspective.

Step seven: Know that help is there for those that seek it. If you or a loved one are struggling with feeling support, our team here at Niyyah is here to help. Sometimes the most important step in getting the help you need is letting someone know.

Couples Therapy and Age by Kara Bradford, LCDC, LMSW

When thinking about couples therapy and whether or not there is an appropriate age to participate in it, I believe it’s safe to say that you’re never too old for couples therapy; however, it may be a different story for younger couples. Let me explain. 

When it comes to minors that are in relationships, there are things to consider for couples therapy: parent/guardian involvement and maturity of partners. Due to minors not having the ability to consent to treatment, the therapist or counselor would need consent from each minor’s parents. Additionally, in most states, parents/guardians have the right to accompany the minor in therapy or have access to client records. This fact alone could cause the individuals not to be completely honest with the therapist or their partner, which is essential in couples therapy. Another thing to consider is the maturity of the young couple; sometimes this is evident in behavior, but we also know from research that the prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision making and higher level thinking) is not fully developed until the age of 25. Does this mean that couples shouldn’t attend therapy until they’re 25? No, it’s just something to consider when thinking about successful completion of treatment.

 For couples who are considering marriage, there’s no definitive age, studies just suggest that premarital counseling produces greater relationship satisfaction than couples who do not seek premarital counseling. It is beneficial for couples to participate in couples counseling to learn important communication skills, effective problem solving skills, and make sure that their individual values align before entering into marriage. Couples counseling is a great way to learn more about your partner and a safe place to explore taboo topics with the help of a therapist.

For couples who may be entering a new relationship late in life, it’s never too late for couples counseling! There’s no reason for someone to feel as if they have to take what they can get later in life because “there’s no changing them at this age.” Why would you ever expect less effort to be put into a relationship just because you’re “too old?” Everyone deserves satisfaction with their relationships.

For couples who have been a couple for 10+ years can still benefit from couples counseling. Why? People change. Roles change. Responsibilities change. Though the relationship may be with the same person for all of this time, couples who have been together for decades have experienced different seasons of life which required adapting. Some relationships adapt better than others. Agreeing to couples counseling does not have to mean that the relationship is in trouble, it can be to help couples smoothly transition in and out of seasons of life. 

In summary, age is not so much the issue as to when to seek couples counseling, it is more about the goal of the relationship at the time. There are many different reasons as to why couples could participate in couples counseling, and no one is ever too young or too old to deserve satisfaction in their relationship.

Coping With Perimenopausal Depression by Kara N. Bradford, BS, LCDC, LMSW

As if being a woman wasn’t full of body and hormonal shifts already, but there’s such a thing as perimenopause? What exactly does perimenopause mean? The literal translation of perimenopause is “around menopause,” and is defined as a period in a woman’s life shortly before menopause when her body is beginning to prepare itself for menopause, which typically begins at the age of 40 to 50, but in some women as early as 35! During perimenopause, the woman’s body is beginning to produce less of the hormone estrogen and the level of the hormone rises and falls inconsistently, which can make women experience physical symptoms such as hot flashes, interrupted sleep patterns, and vaginal dryness. The irregular rise and fall of estrogen causing hot flashes–which interrupt sleep patterns–are likely to cause mood swings and irritability, increasing the likelihood of women experiencing depression. We know that interrupted sleep can be a reason why someone may experience depression, then add in suddenly painful sexual experiences due to vaginal dryness and menses that can sometimes last longer than 7 days–makes sense how women are more inclined to experience depression during perimenopause, right? 

Know that you’re not alone.
Though every woman’s body and experience is different, studies show us that as many as 33% of women in the United States experience depression during perimenopause. Try searching for support groups on Google or Facebook formed by women who are experiencing similar things that you are experiencing. 

Decrease or alleviate stressors. 
Decreasing stressors in life is sometimes unrealistic (i.e. COVID-19 pandemic), so being creative with ways to alleviate stress is important to help with irritability and inconsistent sleep. Yoga is a great way to practice mindfulness and enjoy exercise, which is also important in combating depression.  Another way to alleviate stress is to meditate. If you have never practiced meditation before, try a guided meditation–there are many free ones on the internet! Even a quick walk or jog around the block can help alleviate stress.

See your gynecologist or primary care physician.
Being open with your doctor about any symptoms that you are experiencing during this transition may help you find some relief. There are many pharmacological options to discuss with your doctor that may help alleviate depression symptoms, such as Zoloft, Prozac, or other selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Additionally, there are many options to help treat the physical symptoms of perimenopause as well, often referred to as hormone replacement therapy (HRT). HRT can be many different things such as oral tablets taken daily to regulate the rise and fall of estrogen and there are even creams applied vaginally to combat painful intercourse. For some women, HRT may not be an option if they have had certain cancers or other medical conditions, so always see your doctor to help you select a treatment plan that is right for you. 

See a therapist.
If you are experiencing symptoms that have caused disruption in your life at work or home, try reaching out to a therapist to support you and help you develop a plan to cope with your experiences in a healthy way. Studies show that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can have a lasting positive impact on women struggling with depression during perimenopause by targeting mood swings. CBT is a therapeutic modality that helps to shift negative thought patterns toward more neutral or positive thought patterns, combating irritability. Many therapists at Niyyah utilize CBT and can help - reach out today if you need help.

How to Cope If Your At-Home COVID Test Comes Back Positive, by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Covid has inevitably become a part of our everyday lives over the span of the past two years. Nonetheless, a positive Covid test can be a marker for a reaction of a variety of different emotions, including fear, anxiety, and/or heightened stress. If your test comes back positive, what should you do? Likewise, what should you not do? Here are some useful tips and tricks for coping with a positive at-home test. 

Verify. Before you get worried or emotionally worked up, verify that your result is indeed positive. Go ahead and double check your test result at a testing center so that you can find out for sure whether or not you have tested positive for Covid. The situation has become a bit tricky and confusing, so it’s best to ensure first and foremost that the test result is indeed accurate. Quite frankly, I’ve personally heard of numerous cases in which one test comes out positive, and then another following it results in being negative. If your second result is positive, do follow the remaining steps that are highlighted below. 

Don’t panic. Much easier said than done, this is potentially the most important yet most difficult step to implement if your Covid test comes back positive. Upon seeing that positive result, it is natural for thoughts to go in about a hundred different directions, for quite valid reasons. Remain calm, remember that Covid is becoming normalized, and consider how the vast majority of Covid-positive cases turn out just fine. Think and focus more on the ones who test positive and recover with no issues, rather than focusing on the cases which do result in being more severe. 

Avoid the news and searching the web. No matter what happens, refrain from looking up symptoms because that can cause more anxiety than anticipated. Seek the advice solely of a medical professional, as websites and web searches are not aimed to describe symptoms and provide treatment on a case-by-case basis; rather, they give a one-size-fits-all approach which is not ideal to follow. Additionally, watching and following the news will also simply trigger added stress due to the news outlets highlighting and magnifying the number of cases, deaths, and lack of mask mandates around the country. After testing positive, the last thing you’d want to do is read more about how Covid has overtaken the world…that would be the least bit helpful!

All in all, if your at-home Covid test results in being positive, do your best to remain calm and avoid panicking. If you feel that your mental health is being adversely affected, don’t hesitate to reach out to us at Niyyah Counseling for support and to make an appointment to speak to one of our highly qualified and experienced therapists. We are a click away and would be more than happy to help you walk through your thoughts. The pandemic is far from over, but remember that you are not alone in feeling these emotions - talking about them and seeking guidance on how to manage them is the first step.

Managing Anxiety With the 3-3-3 Rule by Connor Cohen, LMSW

Anxiety feels like it doesn’t play by the rules. It’s like that loose cannon that does what it wants, when it wants and because it wants to. Anxiety thrives in the what ifs and the oh no's. It exists in the space between moments. Anxiety has us worried about what is to come and worried about all that has passed. Will this person like me? Did that person like me? Will something go wrong? Did I make a mistake? Anxiety can be a lot to handle. It can be tiring and create a sense of dread and panic. So how do we handle something that makes us anxious and feel as though life is out of control?

As we have discussed, anxiety doesn’t feel like it plays by the rules. So what if we spent time training our response to anxiety to have rules? One helpful rule is the 3-3-3 rule. This rule helps take you from that space between moments, into being aware of the moment you are in. So what is the 3-3-3 rule? Well it’s a strategy to combat anxiety and recenter yourself in the present moment. 

Step one: Name three things that you hear: When anxiety takes hold, we can be quick to block out the world. The thoughts in our head get louder and louder, to the point where we may not notice the little things around us. By taking time to name the sounds we are hearing in the midst of an anxiety attack, we are taking back our power of attention. Anxiety creeps in and directs us where to point the spotlight but by focusing on the present moment of what we can hear, we can take back control of our attention and focus and thus we are the ones directing the spotlight. Anxiety may say “hey look at this scary thought over here” but we can remind ourselves of our power to shift our focus and change our thoughts by purposefully engaging with the present moment.

Step two: Move three parts of your body: This could be fingers, toes, arms, legs, anything that gets you moving. Anxiety can often present as bodily sensations such as tension. Scientifically speaking, energy can not be created nor destroyed, now scientists may not have originally had the human body in mind when studying the law of thermodynamics, but I believe that as beings in and of this world and universe, we are subject to its laws as well. Anxiety builds up tension and energy within that body and according to science, it has to go somewhere. By moving your body, you are giving that energy a different purpose. 

Step three: Point out three things you see: Much like the step where we point out things that we hear, our visual surroundings can help remind us to be present in the moment. It’s almost like an anxiety relief sandwich. We engage with our surroundings in the beginning and at the end of the 3-3-3 rule, like the bread of the sandwich, and moving the body or finding ways to disperse the anxious energy is the meat or veggies. By ground yourself in the present moment, we take back control from anxiety and move from the what ifs and oh no’s to right now.

If you or a loved one struggle with anxiety, our team here at Niyyah understands that anxiety can be difficult to overcome and live with. Feel free to reach out to us, we are more than happy to help! 

Depression Is Unique for Everyone, So Treatment Should Be Unique For You, by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Depression affects a significant number of individuals worldwide, and can be unique in the way it impacts person to person. Some people may have loss of appetite, others may have increased appetite, and sleep patterns can vary as well; some may sleep excessively and others may not be able to sleep at all. At times, people suffering from depression may have difficulty concentrating or may experience recurring thoughts of death. With depression being unique for everyone, it would make sense to say that treatment should be unique as well. Take a look at the following tips and suggestions in reference to seeking therapy for depression. 

Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all, a cookie cutter, or a magic wand. Nonetheless, each therapist has a different approach to treatment and is unique in her or his course of study, experience, and modality. Not every therapist will be a good fit for every client either, and that is ok to acknowledge and accept. Therapists come from all walks of life with various experiences, and are of differing backgrounds, socioeconomic statuses, and cultures; nonetheless, therapists are trained to be culturally competent, open and willing to work with a diverse set of clients, and know when to refer out when a client's situation is not in her or his scope. As a therapist myself, I remember having my first appointment as a student at the university counseling enter, and absolutely hating it. I felt like I was talking to a wall, and the therapist was of a different background than me, so I felt as if she didn't understand my struggles. I acknowledge that she must have been a great therapist, but just wasn't a good fit for me. I did successfully move on to another therapist who was the perfect fit.

Even within one therapist’s practice, each client who is treated will not and should not be treated in the same way. Some clients do very well with homework, as in journaling, for example, and others do much better when they journal in session. Some clients thrive on CBT, and others may despise it completely. EMDR has become a popular and well-researched form of therapy, which also may not be a good fit for every single person. 

All in all, it's a great idea to research your therapist before seeking services. Check out what your therapist's specialties are, what population you fall under, and what modalities are used in that practice. Additionally, researching different types of modalities would be helpful to take into consideration, particularly because there are so many out there and it will give a feel for various types of treatment methods in psychotherapy. 

If you feel that you are experiencing symptoms of depression, remember to seek help as soon as you can if you aren't able to manage your symptoms otherwise. At Niyyah Counseling, we have a spectrum of therapists with years of experiences who come from all walks of life and are familiar with a variety of mental health concerns. They are well versed in a number of different modalities and participate in case consultation regularly. Remember that you can reach our highly qualified therapists with just a click.

Why Validation is Important in Relationships, by Kara N. Bradford, LCDC, B.S., LMSW

Validation is one of the many important communication skills that build strong, long lasting relationships. Validating is a way to communicate your understanding and acceptance of someone else’s emotional experience, despite whether you view the situation the same way as they do. If you choose to validate your partner’s/spouse’s experiences and accept their perspective, you may find that trust and emotional safety in the relationship increase, resulting in less arguments and more intimacy. Research tells us that couples who use validating language in their relationship experience higher levels of relationship satisfaction, increased intimacy, and greater feelings of support.

What is an example of validating vs. non-validating language? 

Scenario: Partner A works remotely from home, Partner B works outside of the home in a more physical labor-intensive type of job. One of their children becomes ill and has to be home for a few days. Partner A is able to make arrangements with their employer to care for their child during the day and try to catch up on important work projects during nap times and in the evenings. Partner B is experiencing mechanical issues at work and is short-staffed due to illness of co-workers, resulting in them having to work longer hours.

After a couple of days, Partner A tells Partner B: “The baby has been so clingy the past couple of days and I’m feeling like I’m behind at work, I’m just exhausted!” 

Partner B Non-validating response: “Shoot, at least you get to be at home. I’ll trade yah!”

Partner B Validating response: “I know these past couple of days have been rough, I’m sorry you’re exhausted.”

Partner B’s non-validating response does not show emotional understanding of Partner A’s perspective and could send the message that Partner A’s situation is somehow less exhausting than theirs due to Partner A’s job being able to be done at home. The comparison game would likely start and soon comes the argument that could last all night when all they both want to do is SLEEP! Consistently not being validated by a partner/spouse can eventually activate one or more of Gottman’s four horsemen of the apocalypse in a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

Partner B’s validating response to Partner A’s emotional experience in this scenario lets Partner A know that they were heard by Partner B acknowledging understanding of the situation from Partner A’s perspective and letting them know that it’s okay to feel exhausted with this temporary change in family need. With the validating language being used in this scenario, it is likely that the couple could continue to communicate from there on how to help each other out during this exhausting time.

In summary, validation is a way to let your partner know that they are being heard, understood, and that they are valued. Validation is a way to avoid passive-aggressive behaviors that lead to unnecessary arguments and build trust in your relationship. Give it a try! If you and your partner need help developing this skill, consider reaching out to Niyyah Counseling for help!