Validation is one of the many important communication skills that build strong, long lasting relationships. Validating is a way to communicate your understanding and acceptance of someone else’s emotional experience, despite whether you view the situation the same way as they do. If you choose to validate your partner’s/spouse’s experiences and accept their perspective, you may find that trust and emotional safety in the relationship increase, resulting in less arguments and more intimacy. Research tells us that couples who use validating language in their relationship experience higher levels of relationship satisfaction, increased intimacy, and greater feelings of support.
What is an example of validating vs. non-validating language?
Scenario: Partner A works remotely from home, Partner B works outside of the home in a more physical labor-intensive type of job. One of their children becomes ill and has to be home for a few days. Partner A is able to make arrangements with their employer to care for their child during the day and try to catch up on important work projects during nap times and in the evenings. Partner B is experiencing mechanical issues at work and is short-staffed due to illness of co-workers, resulting in them having to work longer hours.
After a couple of days, Partner A tells Partner B: “The baby has been so clingy the past couple of days and I’m feeling like I’m behind at work, I’m just exhausted!”
Partner B Non-validating response: “Shoot, at least you get to be at home. I’ll trade yah!”
Partner B Validating response: “I know these past couple of days have been rough, I’m sorry you’re exhausted.”
Partner B’s non-validating response does not show emotional understanding of Partner A’s perspective and could send the message that Partner A’s situation is somehow less exhausting than theirs due to Partner A’s job being able to be done at home. The comparison game would likely start and soon comes the argument that could last all night when all they both want to do is SLEEP! Consistently not being validated by a partner/spouse can eventually activate one or more of Gottman’s four horsemen of the apocalypse in a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Partner B’s validating response to Partner A’s emotional experience in this scenario lets Partner A know that they were heard by Partner B acknowledging understanding of the situation from Partner A’s perspective and letting them know that it’s okay to feel exhausted with this temporary change in family need. With the validating language being used in this scenario, it is likely that the couple could continue to communicate from there on how to help each other out during this exhausting time.
In summary, validation is a way to let your partner know that they are being heard, understood, and that they are valued. Validation is a way to avoid passive-aggressive behaviors that lead to unnecessary arguments and build trust in your relationship. Give it a try! If you and your partner need help developing this skill, consider reaching out to Niyyah Counseling for help!