What Are the Drawbacks of Permissive Parenting? by Kathleen Chandler, LMSW, PMH-C

Are you practicing permissive parenting? Do you bribe with food, toys, and candy to prevent or stop a tantrum? Do you have a hard time setting boundaries and limits for your kids? If so, you might be practicing permissive parenting. 

We all want the best for our kids! Permissive parenting is often warm, connected, sensitive, and responsive. Those are awesome strengths; permissive parenting isn’t all bad! The problem with this style of parenting is that you’re preventing your child from experiencing and expressing their full range of emotion; therefore, preventing emotional regulation. 

Studies have correlated permissive parenting to the following:

1)    Lower levels of academic achievement

2)    Higher rates of school misconduct

3)    Increased alcohol use among teenagers

4)    Increased gaming addiction in children/teens

Children thrive on predictability and boundary setting; it is okay to say no. In fact, you need to say no; more importantly, you need to follow through with the limits you set. Why? For starters, setting boundaries helps children feel safe; children experience anxiety when they cannot predict your response. When you set a limit for your child you are helping them develop important life skills! They learn what practicing patience feels like, they figure out how to problem solve and become resourceful, they take responsibility, and they learn self-discipline. Most importantly, they know that you can handle their big feelings, and that negative feelings don’t need to be avoided at all costs. It is normal and healthy to experience frustration, anger, and disappointment. Let your child work through their feelings with you by their side. 

A boundary is not a punishment. You can be loving, kind, and firm with your boundaries. 

It is your job to make final decisions regarding safety, health, routine, education, etc. You can include your child in setting limits and boundaries, according to their stage of development. Involve them in the process! Just make sure that you are holding them accountable for the boundary that was created. 

If you’re new to setting boundaries, I suggest using The Five Essential Steps of Emotion Coaching by Dr. John Gottman.

1)    Be aware of your child’s emotion

2)    Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching

3)    Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings

4)    Help your child learn to label their emotions with words

5)    Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately.

If you practice these techniques, your child will be able to work through their big feelings to the boundaries set, with you by their side. You can continue to be warm, responsive, and connected; and set boundaries. 

If setting limits for your child causes you anxiety therapy can help! If you’re triggered by your child’s negative feelings; you’re likely triggered by your own negative feelings. Our therapists can help you work through what is coming up for you and help you strengthen your parenting skills! Reach out today for help.

Coping with War Anxiety by Connor Cohen, LMSW

War is scary. There's nothing simple about it. Unlike the pandemic, war is about man versus man. It can bring up a variety of different feelings. On a global scale we have gone from this environmental stressor...this environmental anxiety to one that is very much human in nature. I think it's the human element of war that is so anxiety-provoking. In cases of war, it is man against man. There is loss of life because of us in a sense. Naturally we can cope with the idea that Mother Nature has it out for us a lot differently than we cope with the idea of danger because of our own doing. The pandemic brought people together, it brought countries together, it was humanity versus this virus. War is very different from that. With war it's man against man and country against country. One of the most anxiety-inducing aspects of it is that as human beings we understand what it is like to be a human being. We understand and can put ourselves in the shoes of the victims of war and to some degree we can even put ourselves in the shoes of those who are the aggressors. As a human being coping with war, it is also important to point out that some of this anxiety comes from the fact that we know that human beings are not always logical actors, especially in the state of war and crisis. While this may feel lost and we may feel defeated, there are things we can do to cope with the global geopolitical landscape that we find ourselves in.

Step one: find a news source that you trust. There's a lot of misinformation in today's day and age, a lot of opinions floating around social media and a lot of words being thrown back and forth. It can make it difficult to really understand what's going on, especially when we find ourselves on the other side of the world.

Step 2: only check that news source a few times a day, perhaps once in the morning, once around  lunch and once around dinner. Try to reduce the amount of time you spend reading the news, especially around time before bed.

Step 3: if you are inclined to do so, find a way to help. Maybe that means finding a way to donate to refugees, perhaps that means advocating your local lawmakers on what you believe is the right course of action. Anxiety can be increasingly difficult when we feel helpless. In an effort to feel less helpless we can find small ways to do something, to act.

Step four: look to history. Some say that history is our greatest teacher, I believe that there is truth in that statement. While it can be easy  to see the atrocities that man has created in the past, it's also important to note that despite the atrocities, despite the wars, we have survived.  It can be easy to try and match up current events with past events in history as if we're trying to fill in a puzzle that has been done before. But for all the history we've been through, the wars of yesterday are not this war. To steal a popular phrase, history teaches us to be alert and not anxious. The purpose of looking back at history is to inform the present, not run from the future. So we can look back on wars of the past as a preventative measure not as a blueprint to follow.

The truth of the matter is war is difficult,  it's okay to be scared. We are living in a time that essentially jumped from one global scale historical event to another. This can bring up a lot of different feelings and a lot of different emotions.

Step five: honor your feelings by allowing them to be. Write out your feelings, draw your emotions, speak to loved ones about what's on your mind, nobody said this had to be easy nobody would blame you if it isn't. If you or a loved one are having difficulty coping with anxiety due to the geopolitical nature of this war, I feel free to reach out to us and our team and schedule an appointment.

What is Health Anxiety and What Are the Signs? by Kara Bradford, LCDC, LMSW

Health anxiety used to be most commonly known as hypochondria, which means that you may constantly fear that you’re ill or becoming ill, despite evidence that suggests the contrary. The DSM V no longer includes hypochondriasis as a diagnosis due to it’s derogatory nature; however, people that previously received this diagnosis are now being diagnosed as having illness anxiety disorder, which focuses on the fear and anxiety that accompanies a person equating uncomfortable or unusual physical sensations to being an indication of a serious medical condition. An example of this is when a person may see a discoloration in their skin that could be present due to unknowingly bumping into something, but immediately jumping to the conclusion that it could be melanoma, despite any other serious symptoms being present. 

As you can imagine, health anxiety has become a common issue during the COVID-19 pandemic, but does not lessen the reality of people who experience it. Here are some signs of illness anxiety disorder to look out for:

• Frequently searching the internet or medical journals for symptoms of serious illnesses and diseases.

• Avoiding people, places, and activities, due to fear of compromising your health

• Worrying that minor symptoms or certain body sensations mean that you have a serious illness.

• Constantly feeling that doctors “missed something” when receiving negative test results.

• Excessive worry or fear that you will struggle with a specific medical condition due to the condition being prevalent in your family.

• Continuously checking your body for signs of illness or disease.

• Frequently seeking medical attention for reassurance you do not have an illness or disease OR avoiding healthcare all together to avoid receiving a diagnosis of a serious illness or disease. 

While you may experience one or more of these symptoms from time to time, it does not always mean that you struggle with illness anxiety disorder. If one or any of these symptoms become persistent and obsessive to the point that it causes distress and strains social, family, or occupational relationships, you may need to reach out to your healthcare provider. If your healthcare provider believes that you may struggle with illness anxiety disorder, they may refer you to a mental health professional to help you better manage your anxiety.

While not much is known about the pathology of illness anxiety disorder, being aware of risk factors may also aid in developing a treatment plan to prevent these overwhelming symptoms. Some risk factors include age (typically effects young adults and worsens with age), history of child abuse, experiencing serious childhood illness or watching a parent experience serious illness, history of experiencing a threat of having a serious illness that turned out to not be serious, and of course suffering with anxiety or worry in general. These somatic symptoms are real and can negatively impact your mental health. If you believe you may be experiencing these symptoms, reach out to the team at Niyyah! Our therapists are ready to help you manage anxiety and walk with you in finding recovery. 

The Relationship Between Social Anxiety and Depression by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Social anxiety and depression may seem like two terms which are used very loosely or commonly, but in all actuality, they are persistent conditions which often go hand in hand. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, social anxiety is characterized as the “intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others.” Depression, on the other hand, is defined as “severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working.” Although they may seem like very different conditions, one’s impact on the other is quite profound; today’s topic of discussion will be viewing how the two are related.

Social anxiety. A person with social anxiety finds it nearly impossible to go out in public, to the extent that he or she may often experience physical symptoms of rapid heartbeat, queasiness, upset stomach, or even others among many. People with social anxiety are scared, fearful, and/or nervous while they may feel that they are the center of attention (even if they’re not). Symptoms of social anxiety may be normalized in particular situations, such as public speaking, but an individual who is diagnosed will present these symptoms more times that not, and in everyday situations such as going to the grocery store.

Depression. A person with depression will experience symptoms which are on a spectrum, some of which may include: excessive sleep or lack of sleep, eating too much or too little, lack of motivation, isolation, avoidance of enjoying the hobbies or activities they once enjoyed, and neglect of routine, daily tasks. An individual with depression will no longer have the desire to go out, enjoy social time, and/or participate in gatherings with other people. Something as simple as leaving one’s room to grab a coffee or run to a fast food restaurant will seem very overwhelming and cause significant distress.

Social withdrawal. Undoubtedly, the number one thing in common which both social anxiety and depression will cause is the act of socially withdrawing oneself from public events, social circles, and society as a whole. Social anxiety results in one being extremely fearful in the presence of others, and depression causes one’s mood to be so zapped of energy and motivation that individuals avoid associating with people. The combination of both disorders can result in extreme isolation and behaviors of withdrawal. It may be difficult to distinguish between the two, but with the help of a professional, you may be able to gain some insight into how they both are affecting you.

In conclusion, social anxiety and depression are closely related, and combined, can be quite debilitating. If you feel that you are being affected by social anxiety and/or depression, don’t hesitate to reach out to any of our therapists at Niyyah Counseling for support. We have highly experienced professionals who use a variety of modalities in therapy, and can help walk you through your thoughts and emotions. We are a click, tap, message, or phone call away.

Coping with the Stress of a High Risk Pregnancy as a Couple by Kathleen Chandler, LMSW, PMH-C

Pregnancy is not a universal experience, because every person has a unique pregnancy.m Even subsequent pregnancies can be entirely different from the last. Some people feel pregnancy is a magical time; others find it to be a means to an end. One thing is for sure though, a high-risk pregnancy is incredibly stressful for both the gestating and non-gestational parent. Below are a few ways to help you, and your partner, cope together during this difficult time. 

Practice Self-Care: It is important that each partner prioritizes their own self-care. Make sure you are each getting adequate sleep, eating regularly, and taking care of your mental health. Do things that soothe you; take a bath, journal, meditate, go for a walk. Do anything that will help calm your nerves! 

Nurture each other: Do your best to talk about the feelings that are coming up for you. Stay vulnerable with one another; don’t shut the other one out. Really listen to each other and stay connected by prioritizing one-on-one time and doing things together that bring you both joy.

Support: It is incredibly important that you both feel supported during this time. 

However, it is even more important that the gestational partner feels supported by the non-gestational partner. This will help keep the body calm and reduce stress during pregnancy. Feeling loved and emotionally connected through physical support (making food, cleaning, running errands etc.), emotional support (deep listening, validating the experience), spiritual support (letting go and trusting together) are key elements the non-gestating partner can do to help reduce the stress of the experience. The non-gestating parent needs to have a strong support system during this time too. Ring Theory can help you develop your systems of support. 

Ring Theory

What is Ring Theory? It is a tool you can use to help during a crisis. 

Think of it like this, the gestating person experiencing the high-risk pregnancy is at the center of the ring. The partner is the ring around them. Outer rings of social support continue outwards. The person at the center of the ring is experiencing the crisis. They are allowed to think, feel, and express themselves, in any way, to anyone, in any circle. The goal of an outer ring is to support an inner ring. The partner’s goal should be to support the pregnant spouse. It’s a big job! It is important work! To do so successfully, the partner will need to rely on their outer circles for support. This is important!  You both need to have a solid support system during this stressful, and often scary, time. 

Practicing self-care, nurturing each other through connectedness, staying vulnerable with one another, and leaning on the support of your friends and community are the most important steps you can take to get through the high-risk pregnancy together.

If you, or your spouse, need support during a high-risk pregnancy our therapists are here to support you. Reach out today for help!

Anxiety About Anxiety: What to Do, by Connor Cohen, LMSW

Anxiety is difficult. Anxiety about having anxiety is even harder. Not only are we struggling with the day-in and day-out of anxiety, but now even in our quiet peaceful moments, anxiety is creeping just underneath the surface. It's that worried feeling of the next anxiety attack. When we have anxiety about anxiety, the moments of peace and comfort are no longer moments of peace and comfort, we can feel on edge, we can feel as though something bad is about to happen,  and we can feel as though we are standing on a ledge about to fall in at any time.  So how do we cope with this feeling of anxiety about anxiety? 

Well, I think strangely enough it starts with anxiety. Examining our own thoughts and patterns in terms of anxiety can help us cope with not feeling anxiety. Understanding our own patterns and behaviors and thought process can help take some of the mystery out of what we may call preemptive anxiety. If we understand that certain social situations make us nervous or perhaps certain triggers result in anxiety, we can begin to better understand ourselves and that better understanding of oneself can turn this unknown of anxiety into a known aspect of our life. We fear anxiety about having anxiety when the anxiety is unknown and feels uncontrollable. To counter this one must simply start to learn about their own anxiety. It's almost like when we can rationally think about why we have an ailment, like a stomach ache or headache. Anxiety lives in the unknown. If we can understand that the stomach ache is from too much soda or a bad piece of fish and the headache is from not drinking enough water or staring at a computer for too long then all of a sudden these things that once scared us are no longer so scary. Understanding  the root cause of our anxiety can take away the sharp sting that leads to more panic.

Another helpful way to reduce anxiety about anxiety is the concept of acceptance. A lot of anxiety about anxiety happens when we don't want anxiety. That pushing away, the running from it, trains our mind to fear the feelings of anxiety. There is a great sense of freedom in accepting anxiety. There is freedom in acknowledging that these feelings that are so uncomfortable are simply anxiety. When we accept that we have anxiety and we accept my feelings and thoughts that come with it we can learn to live with anxiety. In life there will be moments when we're more nervous than others, it is a natural part of life and yet it is an uncomfortable part of life. It is natural to seek comfort and safety. Our anxiety tells us that we are uncomfortable and not safe. If we can view the anxiety as an overprotective friend then maybe we won't be so scared next time he comes around and just maybe we won't worry about when he's going to show up next.

If you or a loved one are struggling with anxiety, our therapists can help guide you on your journey towards coping with anxiety. Whether this is anxiety about having anxiety or countless other things that may give us a sense of panic, our team here can help guide you towards acceptance, comfort and coping.

Coparenting with Someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Diagnosis by Kathleen Chandler, LMSW, PMH-C

Co-parenting with someone who has a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is nearly impossible; co-parenting involves two parents coming together to make parenting decisions that are in the best interest of their child. Unfortunately, someone with NPD only thinks of their own best interest, so you’ll need to practice something called parallel parenting. 

What is Parallel Parenting? It means, as much as possible, you will each parent in your own lane, to reduce the amount of future co-parent decision making. To make this work, you’ll need to do as much pre-planning as possible during the initial agreements of your parenting plan. Think ahead and make sure everything discussed is written into your legal agreements. 

Example of things to consider: 

·      How often will you each have your child?

·      What will the schedule be? Holidays?

·      What time is drop off and pick up?

·      Where will it be located -is a public space best?

·      How will you handle sick days and emergencies?

·      Who will attend doctor appointments, therapy, haircuts?

·      You may need to think of things like clothing and toys. Will the child have two wardrobes? Do they need to come home in what they left in? Will your teenager get to decide what they wear? 

The following tips are intended to guide and support your Parallel Parenting journey:

Set and Hold Boundaries

Try to think of this as a wonderful opportunity to be your child’s shining beacon of example for healthy boundary setting. Lucky you! 

Document, Document, Document 

Make sure all parenting communication is written (Text or Email). This will help you hold boundaries and keep agreements made. 

Be your Child’s Advocate

Every child needs at least one stable, predictable, loving adult in their life; and that gets to be you! As much as possible parent with empathy, their other parent won’t be able to nurture them with true empathy. 

Practice Self-Care

Make sure that you are taking the time needed to nurture yourself. You will need to have a healthy reserve level to deal with the chaos that comes with co-parenting with someone with NPD.  (reword) 

If you find yourself in this situation it is important that you have people in your life who understand the complexities of what is going on. Talking to friends and family may be frustrating. No matter how frustrated you feel, it is important that you never engage in triangulation, by venting to your child about their second parent. The best person to talk to is a professional who understands the manipulative tactics they’ll likely continue to use. 

Feel free to reach out to any of our team members. We are here to support and guide you!

How is Remote Working Still Affecting Couples? by Connor Cohen, LMSW

The pandemic has been a bit of an ebb and flow. Cases have gone up and down, all while time has marched continually onward. It’s a bit strange to look back and think about how we collectively thought of the pandemic in March of 2020. It was scary and unknown and it began a trend of work from home. At the time we probably thought that it would be anywhere from two weeks to maybe a month or two of this change. And yet as of writing this, it is now March of 2022 and many of us are still at home. 

Working from home has created a lot of new changes and challenges both on a personal and interpersonal level. In the beginning, mainy of our issues may have been revolving around initial cohesion of working and living from home with our loved ones. In the early stages, maybe you had trouble finding a space in your home for you and your significant other to work at the same time. As time has marched on, we have no doubt found ways to adjust but some challenges may still exist and new ones may have even popped up along the way. 

One issue that may be affecting you and your loved one is the issue of scheduling. With work from home comes an adjustment to our schedule.  Not only is it more difficult to discern home time and work time when your workspace is now your living room, but schedules with your loved one may be conflicting and leading to tension and uncomfortability. It can be difficult when one person in a relationship works late into the night, not only does that eat into your time as a couple, but it potentially robs one partner of their space for that scheduled time. For example, if one partner is working late hours after the other partner has finished their work for the day, the partner that is done may just want to relax and enjoy their space at home. Due to the working partner, this person is forced to remain quiet, unseen and out of the space where the working partner conducts work. If not properly discussed and communicated, it can certainly be a frustrating scenario. 

Another issue that may still be arising is the issue of time. We all love our partner but let’s face it, sometimes there can be a feeling of spending too much time with someone. It can happen with family members and it can happen with significant others. We all naturally need our space and our own time to simply be by ourselves. Without the natural separation of work, tensions can build between couples, especially in cases where that couple is missing open and honest communication. To be honest, work is naturally stressful. Often in relationships before the pandemic, our partners did not have to deal with that stress directly, we had time away from our partner to cool down and process events that happened at work. In today’s day and age, we are seeing our partner right when the situation or stress is occurring so naturally, some tempers may flare from time to time. As a loving partner our natural instinct is probably to try and comfort our loved ones in those moments but our partner may be feeling overwhelmed with stress and act frustrated at these attempts to help. 

So what do we do in this work from home life? Step one: communicate, even when it feels difficult. No matter how long we have been with our partner, they can’t read our minds. Step two: Find ways to set boundaries with work and with home. It can be difficult to do but it is completely necessary. One helpful example is to stop talking about work after a certain time you and your partner agree on and try to stick to it. The key is to try to find a balance between letting work time feel like work and letting home still feel like home. 

If you or a loved one are struggling to communicate with the challenges that come from work from home life, don’t be afraid to contact a professional for help. Our therapists here at Niyyah can help you and your loved one find a healthier coexistence with work and home.

Coping with Travel Anxiety During a Pandemic by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

It seems that Covid may be our most popular blog topic of the year. If so, that would be for very valid reasons - the pandemic is just about two years old and doesn’t appear to be ending anytime soon. Things that were once very normal have now become a luxury or commodity, such as: traveling, being in large gatherings, working from an office, or even going to school on campus. The focus in this article is going to be on traveling - the anxiety caused by some of the changes in traveling is surreal and can be quite overwhelming. Take note of some of the strategies and tips below to help combat this anxiety to the best of your ability when time comes for you to be on the go via air or sea.

Check travel requirements regularly. Make sure you are up to date with travel requirements at all times. In the event you are traveling internationally, do be cautious of that country’s rules and regulations regarding vaccines, positive tests, and/or quarantine periods. Yes, there have been countless instances where travelers have gotten trapped due to changing requirements or positive tests, etc., but doubling checking the rules and regulations at all times will definitely be helpful in allowing yourself to prepare for any potential things that you need to check off your travel-readiness checklist.

Focus on what’s in your control. Looking up all travel requirements, wearing a mask, being vaccinated, using sanitizer upon touching any surface or object, and socially distancing yourself from others are all things you can focus on. Remember that! Whether or not the person next to you on the plane is vaccinated, has tested positive for Covid, or washed his hands before touching your luggage when he put his in the stowaway compartment are all things you don’t have control over…but may definitely cause some anxiety. At the end of the day, you can only be in charge of yourself and your actions and take the necessary precautions.

Travel when absolutely necessary. If you feel that even your preparations and efforts in managing your anxiety around traveling are still impacting the ability for you to take your journey in peace, re-evaluate your travel plans. Yes, there are some circumstances in which traveling is inevitable, but if you can avoid your plans or postpone them, go for it. The only uncertainty here would be that no one knows for sure just how long the pandemic will last; take things day by day and be assured that you will be ready to travel when you are most comfortable.

All in all, our therapists at Niyyah Counseling have been working endlessly throughout the pandemic, and are familiar with some of the anxieties and emotions that have come up for the past two years. In the event that you feel the need for help in managing your emotions, trust that we will help guide you through your worries and fears. We are a click away and would be more than happy to help!

Why We Should Be Concerned with Redetermining Risk Factors for Postpartum Depression (PPD) by Kara Bradford, LCDC, LMSW

For most women, being pregnant and having a baby is a season of life bringing feelings of joy and excitement; however, for some women, the experience is distressing and difficult, provoking feelings of extreme sadness and indifference. PPD can cause symptoms that mimic major depressive disorder (MDD), accompanied by feelings of worthlessness or guilt, feelings of  being a bad mother, lack of interest in baby, not feeling a connection to baby, or being anxious when around baby. Some mothers can experience “baby blues,” which can occur for the first 2 weeks after giving birth due to changes in sleep patterns, causing restlessness, irritability, and anxiety. PPD is much different in that the symptoms are physically and emotionally debilitating and can last well beyond 2 weeks, up to months, after giving birth.  PPD is a very serious, yet treatable, condition that can negatively affect mothers and babies and should not be overlooked. 

Recent studies suggest that 1 in every 7 women will experience PPD world-wide, yet there is a lack of standardized screening tools available for providers to screen for risk factors during pregnancy. Redetermining risk factors for this condition is beneficial when taking the quality of life of mom and baby into account. The prevalence of 1 in every 7 is based on reported cases only, so there is a chance of a greater population affected by PPD that are not recorded due to women believing that PPD is not serious and is a “normal” part of becoming a mother. There is also an overwhelming stigma attached to PPD among mothers, with the wide-spread belief that if you have PPD, you are a bad mother because you want to harm your baby, or have neglected your baby. 

Due to the overwhelming number of women who believe that the symptoms of PPD are a “normal” part of becoming a new mother and do not seek help, it is important that women be screened by their obstetrician during pregnancy. There are several risk factors that have been linked to increased likelihood of developing PPD. Studies suggest that women who have a personal or family history of depression or anxiety are at risk of developing PPD and should be screened and treated during pregnancy. Age of the expectant mother is also a risk factor, as studies show that mothers between the ages of 13 to 19 years are where the highest levels of depression are reported during pregnancy. Hormonal changes or new thyroid issues are also risk factors of developing PPD and should be evaluated by a medical professional, such as an obstetrician. Though PPD suggests that the onset is after giving birth, there are risk factors that exist during pregnancy as well which include social aspects as well, such as lack of familial or partner support, a change in environment, or any other stressful situation.  

Redetermining risk factors for PPD is an important concern that should be considered in the medical and behavioral fields to develop standardized screening tools to be used throughout pregnancy to prevent PPD. In summary, addressing PPD during pregnancy can help prevent the number one cause of death among new moms–suicide. If you, or anyone you know, are experiencing symptoms of PPD, know that you are not alone and there is help. Reach out to Niyyah and allow one of our therapists to walk with you through finding relief from your overwhelming thoughts and feelings of becoming a mother.