What is Parental Burnout? By Kathleen Chandler, LMSW, PMH-C

Parental burnout is the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual exhaustion from the ongoing demands and chronic stress of parenting. A lot of parents are feeling burnout right now! It is, after all, an incredibly overwhelming and challenging time to be a parent in the USA; two plus years of a pandemic, gun violence, formula shortages, natural disasters, war, and partisan politics. If you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and burned out right now; allow yourself permission to feel that way. You are not alone!

We are not our best selves when we are feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. As parents, it is important for us to practice self-soothing. First, because it is in your best interest; nobody feels good when they are overstimulated and overburdened. Second, because we want to model self-soothing for our children. We are our children’s calm; we need to be able to help them soothe.

Are you able to call a friend to vent? Can you schedule time away from your children to re-energize? Some of us have more support than others; don’t be afraid to ask for help from those you do have in your circle.

Many people cope by scrolling, overworking, shopping, or drinking alcohol. These are ways we escape having to feel. However, those coping strategies most often leave us feeling worse and they are not sustainable. Before you snap and yell at your child, go inward, toward yourself, and practice self-soothing.

If you are unable to use your support system and schedule some time away, you can use TIPP to help self-regulate:

Temperature: Cooling your body down can emotionally "cool" you down too. Place an Ice cube on the back of your neck or run cold water over your wrists.

Intense Exercise: Increased oxygen and endorphins help decrease stress chemicals. Go run up and down your stairs several times!

Deep Breathing: Increased oxygen activates our parasympathetic (calming) nervous system. Practice Square Breathing: Inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. Repeat as necessary.

Paired Muscle Relaxation: The body responds to stress with muscle tension. PMR helps release the tension and thus reduces stress in the body.

If you are feeling inundated with chronic stress and constantly triggered, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist at Niyyah Counseling today! All our therapists are qualified to help you meet your mental health goals. Click here to check out our therapists: https://www.niyyahcounselingpllc.com/our-team. Feel free to reach out and interview our therapists to find the right fit for you! We offer free 15-minute consultations for your convenience.

Why Second Parent Adoption is Imperative in Today’s Political Climate. (Roe vs Wade and future implications of Obergefell) by Kathleen Chandler, LMSW PMH-C

After the Supreme Court’s draft to overturn Roe vs Wade was leaked last week, many people in the LGBT+ community became terrified that Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. 644, 135 S. Ct. 2584, 192 L. Ed. 2d 609 (2015) could be next. These are very valid fears; it is normal to worry when real threats present themselves.

What can one do to reduce anxiety about something that feels so out of our control? They can identify the things they can control and get to work! One way an LGBTQIA+ family can guarantee they are protected is by establishing the “legal parentage” of both parents. It is likely that both parents are on the birth certificate; however, that does not establish legal parentage

Some people feel falsely protected by the birth certificate, especially if they are in a liberal state. However, it is important to remember that the laws are different in every state. If the family travels to a state that does not recognize their parentage, one parent could be denied the ability to make medical decisions for their child should something happen.

Second Parent Adoption guarantees your parentage. If you have not yet established your parental rights, you risk losing rights to your child.

I understand how incredibly frustrating and disheartening it is to have to adopt your own child! Opposite sex spouses are automatically guaranteed a right that LGBTIA+ parents are not. The injustice can feel so toxic that you may want to avoid anything to do with the process. If you feel like your emotions are holding you back from the proceedings, I encourage you to try the following:

Stop

Take a break from thinking about it. Ruminating and catastrophizing will only cause you more anxiety.

Practice Self-Validation

Which may sound like, “it makes sense that I am feeling scared by all the uncertainty right now” or “I am struggling that this process is an injustice and that is okay”.

Practice Self-Soothing

When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the idea, or process, do something that soothes you: drink a warm beverage, take a bath, go for a run, listen to music, turn on a guided meditation, sit in nature. Whatever works for you!

Be Mindful of your co existing thoughts and feelings without judgment i.e. “This is ridiculous! I shouldn’t have to adopt my own child” AND “I would feel so much better if my legal parentage were undeniable”.

(Finally, when you’re ready)

ACT

use SMART goals to get a plan together. You can start by finding lawyer that specializes in Second Parent Adoptions in your state: https://connectingrainbows.org/lawyer-directory/

If you find that you still feel too overwhelmed or emotional about the topic, feel free to reach out to one of our therapists! We are here to support you and guide you through the journey.

Do you have to love parenting 24/7 like in TV and movies? By Amanda Young, LCSW

Absolutely not! Parenting is one of the most important assignments that you will have in your life that will feel like it is not complete. Having someone to choose you and be solely dependent on you until they are of adult age, sometimes longer, can be very challenging.  I believe that we tend to fantasize about parenting and don’t understand how draining it could be emotionally, mentally and physically. Growing up we all might have wondered about being parents due to the influence of our parents or grandparents. Based on our experience or observation of our own parents, might have prompted us to think parenting isn’t too bad.  Due to our parents and grandparents, it seemed like being a parent was like a cake walk right? Being oblivious to the challenges,  not knowing that the assignment is heavily weighted with responsibilities, obstacles, tests and more importantly unconditional love which would evoke every emotion in us. 

 We might believe that being a parent, you have to do everything right and love your job as a parent and kids all the time. Witnessing other parent’s having meltdowns, storming off from their kids or simply not wanting to be bothered is absurd. Thinking to ourselves while watching other parents, saying, “this is what you signed up for and you should not show frustration or tell your kid that you “don’t be like them today” is something we might not understand. Oh I will never do that because I love my kids. But the reality is we are all human and we live in the real world. 

There are different stages of parenting, (commander, coach, counselor and consultant.) we will encounter that and will have you asking yourself. “What was I thinking?” during the most challenging ones. Some of us are able to make it through the stages with minimal challenges while others weather a variety of challenges. These challenges will either make us or break us. There are times that we would like to forget about being a parent, escape the responsibilities and enjoy some alone time but most importantly some quiet time. And guess what, that is ok!

Parenting didn’t come with a definite 100 percent happiness stamp. There are no guarantees while weather the different stages.  There is no cookie cutter way to parent a child because they are different. There is no correct way to brainstorm problems or to problem solve when issues arise.  So to be honest, no it is not ideal or realistic to think that we will love parenting 24/7 and that is ok. We are human and imperfect beings. Just show up and do your best. If you don’t like the task of parenting all the time, that is ok, the world will not end. You are doing great! 

Signs of Toxic Parenting by Kathleen Chandler LMSW PMH-C

There is no such thing as perfect parenting; we all make mistakes! Some parents are trying their very best to be empathetic and nurturing. Other parents are not aware they are actively harming their children (some are aware).  A lot of people parent their children how they were parented without giving much thought to patterns and cycles of abuse.

It is important that we are reflective about how we were parented (what we liked and what we didn’t) and how we are currently parenting (what we feel we are doing well and what we could be working on).

Below are some common parenting traits we should all try to avoid:

Physical Abuse: Physically harming your child out of anger or frustration. You cannot control your emotional response to hit, pinch, slap, spank, kick (or any other form of physical discipline) when your child frustrates or angers you.

Overreacting: You fly off the handle easily and are emotionally out-of-control. Something small might be blown out of proportion and then you become overly frustrated, angry, and/or verbally abusive.

Controlling: You are incredibly controlling with unreasonable demands and expectations. You might find yourself getting into power struggles with your children and micromanaging them.

Critical: You rarely have a positive thing to say about, or to, your child. You offer more “feedback” than praise or neutral statements. You criticize things like clothing, choice of friends, sports performance, physical appearance.

Bullying: You mock your child and/or make fun of them for their likes, dislikes, fears, dreams, accomplishments, failures, and who they are as a person.

Self-Centered: Always putting the needs of self, over the needs of the child. Cannot be the “bigger person” in a disagreement and “must win” because “you are the parent”.          

Gaslighting: Even when you know your child is right, you tell them they are wrong, or say it never happened the way they recall it.

Dismissive: You tend to dismiss your child’s negative emotions. You tell them to stop crying and or that their feelings do not matter.

Emotionally unavailable: You rarely exhibit warmth and kindness to your child. You do not provide them with loving emotional support. You’re all about “business”.

If you find yourself struggling with any of the above, don’t beat yourself up! In fact, read this article: https://www.niyyahcounselingpllc.com/blog/how-to-make-peace-with-parenting-mistakes-by-nabiha-hasan-lmsw. There! Did you read it? Now try to give yourself some grace and then get to work!

Click here https://www.niyyahcounselingpllc.com/our-team to read the bios of our therapists. Pick out a couple of therapists who may be a good fit for you and schedule a free 15-minute consultation. Every parent could use a little guidance and support; parenting is hard. Reach out today!

How Does Social Media Affect Your Parenting Style? By Nabiha Hasan

Social media undoubtedly has its pros as well as its cons. As a mental health therapist, a mother, and pretty much considering the multiple roles that I play, I personally have my reservations about social media and don’t hesitate to explore these considerations with my clients if they mention feeling unsure or are somehow affected by social media. As parents, there are several things which can influence our parenting styles, and the tricky thing about social media is that what you see is not always what’s behind the photo or post. Social media has an impact on parenting in several different shapes, forms, and fashions - read on to find out more about how so.

Picture perfect. Instagram posts, TikToks, Snapchat stories, and whatever else is in between are catered to show you only the ultimately perfect side of people’s lives and homes. Anyone who is a parent, however, knows that there is no part of parenting which is perfect - it can get messy, real, and just a bit complicated. Taking part in observing or trying to mimic this perfection is unhealthy, unrealistic, and can lead to damaging expectations as a parent. Noticing another mom’s spotless living room on camera, untouched kitchen, or daily color coordinated outfits with her mini me’s can cause one to rethink about priorities and possibilities. 

The end goal. Ultimately, what is your role as a parent? What are some of your aspirations, goals, and hopes for your child? If you’re like most parents, the closing at the end of a long day with your little ones is not defined by whether or not your house is clean, your outfits are perfectly matching, or the number of likes you got on your most recent post - as parents, we are all striving and on this rollercoaster of parenthood together in our own separate ways in efforts to raise strong, confident, and intelligent human beings who will positively impact society and repeat the beautiful cycle of life.

You are the parent of your child. Social media parents are only parents to their own children, not to the children of the world. You know your child better than anyone else on earth, and you also know which approaches work best for her or him. A parent of three who uses the love and logic or 1-2-3 parenting style may not work for you as a parent of one, because your child’s personality and temperament are different and unique.

If you feel that social media is affecting your ability to parent or is causing you to second your capabilities as a mother or father, contact any of our therapists at Niyyah Counseling for support or to help you walk through your emotions. You are also more than welcome to check out our blog posts here on our website to read more about articles our team has written regarding the various aspects of parenting. Our therapists are trained in child development and have worked with parents of children of all ages - therapy is just a click away.

Reconciling a Different In Parenting Styles with Your Partner by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Parenting styles are things we pick up from a variety of sources, such as: parenting books, social media posts, podcasts, YouTube videos, and maybe our own parents/family members. When and if we make the decision to start our own families, the realization that it takes two to parent can be one that is eye opening and may have the ability to cause conflicts between partners. Today’s focus is going to be on how to reconcile a difference in parenting styles with your partner/spouse.

Acceptance. First things first…accept that you two are different individuals, who were raised by a different set of parents, who potentially grew up in different parts of the world (as in my situation), and will undoubtedly parent in very different ways. Going into parenthood with the notion that you and your partner will be child rearing in sync is very unrealistic and can be damaging to your relationship. Take the time to meditate if needed, particularly when you are faced with your partner doing a big parenting no-no, and approach it with a grain of salt. With some patience and communication, remember that you will do your best to be able to explain your rationale and method of parenting nonetheless, as well as how you can approach it together.

Communicate. As simple as it sounds, communicating is something that we often may put to the side or not achieve in the best way possible. Obviously, if we’re not communicating with our partner that we feel a need to discuss child rearing procedures and methods, how will we ever come to a resolution? Communicating with your partner that you feel a difference in the way you two parent your kid(s) should definitely be done in a moment of calm, not in a heightened state while your toddler is throwing a full blown tantrum because you peeled her banana and she wanted to do it herself (been there, done that!). Getting your message across is not as simple as it seems, however; you and your partner may come from varying cultural backgrounds, walks of life, and have parents who had very different ways of raising their children. Having a one-on-one conversation of how you would or would not like to tag team in parenting your children should be a very conscious one done at the proper time and in the appropriate situation.

All in all, if you are a single parent relying on family/friends for support, having this conversation with others who assist with childcare and/or child rearing can be a bit more challenging; at the end of the day, it really does take a village to raise a child. Parenting does not come with a handbook, as much as we wish it did, and the decision to have children is one that we as human beings make in very different ways according to a variety of factors, such as: finances, age, and stage of life, among other things. You are welcome to reference to any of our other articles published in the past regarding child rearing and parenting, and are always open to reaching out to any of our therapists for additional support and guidance with parenting, child development, and/or couple’s counseling if you feel that child rearing differences are affecting your relationship with your partner. Remember to use this link to reach out to us and leave your contact information so we can get back to you regarding availability and which therapist would be a good fit. We are a click away!

What Are the Drawbacks of Permissive Parenting? by Kathleen Chandler, LMSW, PMH-C

Are you practicing permissive parenting? Do you bribe with food, toys, and candy to prevent or stop a tantrum? Do you have a hard time setting boundaries and limits for your kids? If so, you might be practicing permissive parenting. 

We all want the best for our kids! Permissive parenting is often warm, connected, sensitive, and responsive. Those are awesome strengths; permissive parenting isn’t all bad! The problem with this style of parenting is that you’re preventing your child from experiencing and expressing their full range of emotion; therefore, preventing emotional regulation. 

Studies have correlated permissive parenting to the following:

1)    Lower levels of academic achievement

2)    Higher rates of school misconduct

3)    Increased alcohol use among teenagers

4)    Increased gaming addiction in children/teens

Children thrive on predictability and boundary setting; it is okay to say no. In fact, you need to say no; more importantly, you need to follow through with the limits you set. Why? For starters, setting boundaries helps children feel safe; children experience anxiety when they cannot predict your response. When you set a limit for your child you are helping them develop important life skills! They learn what practicing patience feels like, they figure out how to problem solve and become resourceful, they take responsibility, and they learn self-discipline. Most importantly, they know that you can handle their big feelings, and that negative feelings don’t need to be avoided at all costs. It is normal and healthy to experience frustration, anger, and disappointment. Let your child work through their feelings with you by their side. 

A boundary is not a punishment. You can be loving, kind, and firm with your boundaries. 

It is your job to make final decisions regarding safety, health, routine, education, etc. You can include your child in setting limits and boundaries, according to their stage of development. Involve them in the process! Just make sure that you are holding them accountable for the boundary that was created. 

If you’re new to setting boundaries, I suggest using The Five Essential Steps of Emotion Coaching by Dr. John Gottman.

1)    Be aware of your child’s emotion

2)    Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching

3)    Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings

4)    Help your child learn to label their emotions with words

5)    Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately.

If you practice these techniques, your child will be able to work through their big feelings to the boundaries set, with you by their side. You can continue to be warm, responsive, and connected; and set boundaries. 

If setting limits for your child causes you anxiety therapy can help! If you’re triggered by your child’s negative feelings; you’re likely triggered by your own negative feelings. Our therapists can help you work through what is coming up for you and help you strengthen your parenting skills! Reach out today for help.