What is Parental Burnout? By Kathleen Chandler, LMSW, PMH-C

Parental burnout is the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual exhaustion from the ongoing demands and chronic stress of parenting. A lot of parents are feeling burnout right now! It is, after all, an incredibly overwhelming and challenging time to be a parent in the USA; two plus years of a pandemic, gun violence, formula shortages, natural disasters, war, and partisan politics. If you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and burned out right now; allow yourself permission to feel that way. You are not alone!

We are not our best selves when we are feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. As parents, it is important for us to practice self-soothing. First, because it is in your best interest; nobody feels good when they are overstimulated and overburdened. Second, because we want to model self-soothing for our children. We are our children’s calm; we need to be able to help them soothe.

Are you able to call a friend to vent? Can you schedule time away from your children to re-energize? Some of us have more support than others; don’t be afraid to ask for help from those you do have in your circle.

Many people cope by scrolling, overworking, shopping, or drinking alcohol. These are ways we escape having to feel. However, those coping strategies most often leave us feeling worse and they are not sustainable. Before you snap and yell at your child, go inward, toward yourself, and practice self-soothing.

If you are unable to use your support system and schedule some time away, you can use TIPP to help self-regulate:

Temperature: Cooling your body down can emotionally "cool" you down too. Place an Ice cube on the back of your neck or run cold water over your wrists.

Intense Exercise: Increased oxygen and endorphins help decrease stress chemicals. Go run up and down your stairs several times!

Deep Breathing: Increased oxygen activates our parasympathetic (calming) nervous system. Practice Square Breathing: Inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. Repeat as necessary.

Paired Muscle Relaxation: The body responds to stress with muscle tension. PMR helps release the tension and thus reduces stress in the body.

If you are feeling inundated with chronic stress and constantly triggered, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist at Niyyah Counseling today! All our therapists are qualified to help you meet your mental health goals. Click here to check out our therapists: https://www.niyyahcounselingpllc.com/our-team. Feel free to reach out and interview our therapists to find the right fit for you! We offer free 15-minute consultations for your convenience.

Do you have to love parenting 24/7 like in TV and movies? By Amanda Young, LCSW

Absolutely not! Parenting is one of the most important assignments that you will have in your life that will feel like it is not complete. Having someone to choose you and be solely dependent on you until they are of adult age, sometimes longer, can be very challenging.  I believe that we tend to fantasize about parenting and don’t understand how draining it could be emotionally, mentally and physically. Growing up we all might have wondered about being parents due to the influence of our parents or grandparents. Based on our experience or observation of our own parents, might have prompted us to think parenting isn’t too bad.  Due to our parents and grandparents, it seemed like being a parent was like a cake walk right? Being oblivious to the challenges,  not knowing that the assignment is heavily weighted with responsibilities, obstacles, tests and more importantly unconditional love which would evoke every emotion in us. 

 We might believe that being a parent, you have to do everything right and love your job as a parent and kids all the time. Witnessing other parent’s having meltdowns, storming off from their kids or simply not wanting to be bothered is absurd. Thinking to ourselves while watching other parents, saying, “this is what you signed up for and you should not show frustration or tell your kid that you “don’t be like them today” is something we might not understand. Oh I will never do that because I love my kids. But the reality is we are all human and we live in the real world. 

There are different stages of parenting, (commander, coach, counselor and consultant.) we will encounter that and will have you asking yourself. “What was I thinking?” during the most challenging ones. Some of us are able to make it through the stages with minimal challenges while others weather a variety of challenges. These challenges will either make us or break us. There are times that we would like to forget about being a parent, escape the responsibilities and enjoy some alone time but most importantly some quiet time. And guess what, that is ok!

Parenting didn’t come with a definite 100 percent happiness stamp. There are no guarantees while weather the different stages.  There is no cookie cutter way to parent a child because they are different. There is no correct way to brainstorm problems or to problem solve when issues arise.  So to be honest, no it is not ideal or realistic to think that we will love parenting 24/7 and that is ok. We are human and imperfect beings. Just show up and do your best. If you don’t like the task of parenting all the time, that is ok, the world will not end. You are doing great! 

Signs of Toxic Parenting by Kathleen Chandler LMSW PMH-C

There is no such thing as perfect parenting; we all make mistakes! Some parents are trying their very best to be empathetic and nurturing. Other parents are not aware they are actively harming their children (some are aware).  A lot of people parent their children how they were parented without giving much thought to patterns and cycles of abuse.

It is important that we are reflective about how we were parented (what we liked and what we didn’t) and how we are currently parenting (what we feel we are doing well and what we could be working on).

Below are some common parenting traits we should all try to avoid:

Physical Abuse: Physically harming your child out of anger or frustration. You cannot control your emotional response to hit, pinch, slap, spank, kick (or any other form of physical discipline) when your child frustrates or angers you.

Overreacting: You fly off the handle easily and are emotionally out-of-control. Something small might be blown out of proportion and then you become overly frustrated, angry, and/or verbally abusive.

Controlling: You are incredibly controlling with unreasonable demands and expectations. You might find yourself getting into power struggles with your children and micromanaging them.

Critical: You rarely have a positive thing to say about, or to, your child. You offer more “feedback” than praise or neutral statements. You criticize things like clothing, choice of friends, sports performance, physical appearance.

Bullying: You mock your child and/or make fun of them for their likes, dislikes, fears, dreams, accomplishments, failures, and who they are as a person.

Self-Centered: Always putting the needs of self, over the needs of the child. Cannot be the “bigger person” in a disagreement and “must win” because “you are the parent”.          

Gaslighting: Even when you know your child is right, you tell them they are wrong, or say it never happened the way they recall it.

Dismissive: You tend to dismiss your child’s negative emotions. You tell them to stop crying and or that their feelings do not matter.

Emotionally unavailable: You rarely exhibit warmth and kindness to your child. You do not provide them with loving emotional support. You’re all about “business”.

If you find yourself struggling with any of the above, don’t beat yourself up! In fact, read this article: https://www.niyyahcounselingpllc.com/blog/how-to-make-peace-with-parenting-mistakes-by-nabiha-hasan-lmsw. There! Did you read it? Now try to give yourself some grace and then get to work!

Click here https://www.niyyahcounselingpllc.com/our-team to read the bios of our therapists. Pick out a couple of therapists who may be a good fit for you and schedule a free 15-minute consultation. Every parent could use a little guidance and support; parenting is hard. Reach out today!

Reconciling a Different In Parenting Styles with Your Partner by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Parenting styles are things we pick up from a variety of sources, such as: parenting books, social media posts, podcasts, YouTube videos, and maybe our own parents/family members. When and if we make the decision to start our own families, the realization that it takes two to parent can be one that is eye opening and may have the ability to cause conflicts between partners. Today’s focus is going to be on how to reconcile a difference in parenting styles with your partner/spouse.

Acceptance. First things first…accept that you two are different individuals, who were raised by a different set of parents, who potentially grew up in different parts of the world (as in my situation), and will undoubtedly parent in very different ways. Going into parenthood with the notion that you and your partner will be child rearing in sync is very unrealistic and can be damaging to your relationship. Take the time to meditate if needed, particularly when you are faced with your partner doing a big parenting no-no, and approach it with a grain of salt. With some patience and communication, remember that you will do your best to be able to explain your rationale and method of parenting nonetheless, as well as how you can approach it together.

Communicate. As simple as it sounds, communicating is something that we often may put to the side or not achieve in the best way possible. Obviously, if we’re not communicating with our partner that we feel a need to discuss child rearing procedures and methods, how will we ever come to a resolution? Communicating with your partner that you feel a difference in the way you two parent your kid(s) should definitely be done in a moment of calm, not in a heightened state while your toddler is throwing a full blown tantrum because you peeled her banana and she wanted to do it herself (been there, done that!). Getting your message across is not as simple as it seems, however; you and your partner may come from varying cultural backgrounds, walks of life, and have parents who had very different ways of raising their children. Having a one-on-one conversation of how you would or would not like to tag team in parenting your children should be a very conscious one done at the proper time and in the appropriate situation.

All in all, if you are a single parent relying on family/friends for support, having this conversation with others who assist with childcare and/or child rearing can be a bit more challenging; at the end of the day, it really does take a village to raise a child. Parenting does not come with a handbook, as much as we wish it did, and the decision to have children is one that we as human beings make in very different ways according to a variety of factors, such as: finances, age, and stage of life, among other things. You are welcome to reference to any of our other articles published in the past regarding child rearing and parenting, and are always open to reaching out to any of our therapists for additional support and guidance with parenting, child development, and/or couple’s counseling if you feel that child rearing differences are affecting your relationship with your partner. Remember to use this link to reach out to us and leave your contact information so we can get back to you regarding availability and which therapist would be a good fit. We are a click away!