Conflict Resolution Tips by Connor Cohen, LMSW

It's normal to fight. It's normal to feel angry. It's normal to get frustrated. It is normal to have conflict. This is especially true when it comes to those that we love. Any time we spend with the same people over and over, we're bound to ruffle some feathers. They can be the best person in the world oh, our favorite person, the love of our life, and yet we can be in conflict with them. Even when we agree 100% (which let's face it, probably doesn't happen)  we can still feel  the flames of conflict creeping up.  So what do we do when we are in conflict with her significant other? Do we yell and scream? Do we bottle it all up and hold it inside only for it to come out one day?  In a perfect world, we would have other ways to deal with this conflict.  We would always know just what to say, we open and upfront with our emotions,  we would be understanding of our partner's perspective and conflicts would feel just like a small bump in the road or if you are just slightly turning the steering wheel to avoid a hazard. And while we may not live in a perfect world, we can still respond to conflict in a way that honors both our self and our partner and each of our perspectives within the conflict.

Step one: Take a step back.  Oftentimes In the heat of the moment when the flames of conflict are highest,  we can forget that the person that we're arguing with is the one that we love.  We forget all those soft and Sweet Moments with them,  we forget how they were there for us in our darkest moments,  we forget how they make us laugh and how they make us smile,  all we see in this moment is the conflict.  We see right and wrong black and white.  Now it's natural to want to be correct, I think we all enjoy being right but sometimes in the moment taking a step back, maybe even physically to remind ourselves that there is more in the relationship than this one moment of conflict can be  super important to helping us navigate the conflict.

Step Two: Remember that it is you and your partner versus the conflict.  As we've already discussed we can often feel as though it is us versus them, their ideas versus ours.  But there's another perspective to take. If we can detach ourselves from the conflict of the heat of the moment of the emotions of the moment,  we can see that both sides  want a resolution. In conflict we both want the same goal, we just have different visions of how to get there.  The sooner we see that we both want the same things,  the sooner we realize we can work together to get those things.  It would be like if you thought the best way to get to work is taking the highway to the left and your partner views the best way as the highway to the right.  The second you realize that you both simply want  to find the easiest way to work,  we can begin to build on mutual ground. 

Step Three:  If needed when emotions are high, set aside time for 5 and 10 minute breaks.  Oftentimes strong emotions bring on strong emotions. Big reactions get even bigger reactions.  If during a conflict or argument feelings are just escalating,  set aside time to step away.  This not only gives each person time to really think about what they're trying to say,  but it also gives time for our logical brain to kick back on after utilizing our emotional brain.  When we fight our emotional brain takes over,  by giving space and time away from the strong emotions and feelings and conflict,  new perspectives can be better appreciated.  In the heat of the moment We may not be open to hearing what our partner believes is the best option but after five or 10 minutes away we may start to consider it or we may even be more open to it than before.

Step four:  If needed, reach out for help.  It's not always easy navigating conflict and arguments and fights.  If conflict was easy I don't think it would be called conflict.  If you and a loved one feel as though your conflicts create tension and displeasure with the relationship,  our wonderful therapist here at Niyyah would be more than happy to provide an impartial and fair helping hand. Reach out today to schedule your session today and learn how to better manage relational conflict.

What Does It Mean to Outgrow a Relationship by Amanda Young, LCSW

Relationships are a wonderful union between individuals who choose to share their worlds. When we find that special someone to build a relationship with, we look to develop a deeper connection. We seem to connect with them for several reasons and we tend to get wrapped up in the bliss of the relationship. In the beginning everything tends to go well and we are stuck to each other's hips. Fun right? We are in love and not paying attention to the red flags that are right in our face. Then BAM!, one day we are feeling like this relationship is stuck in the park gear and not fun anymore. This is when the honeymoon phase has subsided and reality has set in. You might find that you guys are having frequent arguments over things that weren't important at the beginning. You might think to yourself what is going on? After some much needed self reflection and evaluation of your relationship, you come to the conclusion that you are just not connecting anymore. 

We never get in relationships to think that we will outgrow the person we are with but it happens. The tension in the relationship, the tug and war, the depletion can be all signs of the relationship has run its course. So what do we do? Do I stay or do I go? Do we try harder and explore other things? Or do we let each other grow so we can continue to grow as individuals. So many questions to ask yourself but the real question is, what do you think will make you happy? Staying in a dead end relationship where there is no room for growth or moving on? These are all tough questions to ask, especially since you never imagine life without this person. Some signs to look for that would possibly indicate that you have outgrown your partner and the relationship are below.

Signs that you might have outgrown your relationship:

1. You are no longer excited about the relationship-it is more of a dreadful feeling anticipating what will happen today.

2. You no longer challenge each other-might feel that no matter what you do to help the other person grow, it feels like wasted energy, so why bother.

3. You get no fulfillment from the relationship-there is something missing and you seek fulfillment from other sources.

4. The person isn’t the same-things they did in the beginning, they are no longer interested in doing. 

5. There is no connection or passion anymore-it just seems like you are just there. 

Although this is not an exhaustive list of signs, you can normally tell when things have shifted in your relationship. If you find yourself feeling stuck or drained from your relationship, you might want to talk to someone to help you explore the changes. It can be scary to change or you might feel guilty for feeling the way you feel and that is normal. Niyyah Counseling PLLC has therapists who are willing to help without the judgment, just give us a call today.

Reconciling a Different In Parenting Styles with Your Partner by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Parenting styles are things we pick up from a variety of sources, such as: parenting books, social media posts, podcasts, YouTube videos, and maybe our own parents/family members. When and if we make the decision to start our own families, the realization that it takes two to parent can be one that is eye opening and may have the ability to cause conflicts between partners. Today’s focus is going to be on how to reconcile a difference in parenting styles with your partner/spouse.

Acceptance. First things first…accept that you two are different individuals, who were raised by a different set of parents, who potentially grew up in different parts of the world (as in my situation), and will undoubtedly parent in very different ways. Going into parenthood with the notion that you and your partner will be child rearing in sync is very unrealistic and can be damaging to your relationship. Take the time to meditate if needed, particularly when you are faced with your partner doing a big parenting no-no, and approach it with a grain of salt. With some patience and communication, remember that you will do your best to be able to explain your rationale and method of parenting nonetheless, as well as how you can approach it together.

Communicate. As simple as it sounds, communicating is something that we often may put to the side or not achieve in the best way possible. Obviously, if we’re not communicating with our partner that we feel a need to discuss child rearing procedures and methods, how will we ever come to a resolution? Communicating with your partner that you feel a difference in the way you two parent your kid(s) should definitely be done in a moment of calm, not in a heightened state while your toddler is throwing a full blown tantrum because you peeled her banana and she wanted to do it herself (been there, done that!). Getting your message across is not as simple as it seems, however; you and your partner may come from varying cultural backgrounds, walks of life, and have parents who had very different ways of raising their children. Having a one-on-one conversation of how you would or would not like to tag team in parenting your children should be a very conscious one done at the proper time and in the appropriate situation.

All in all, if you are a single parent relying on family/friends for support, having this conversation with others who assist with childcare and/or child rearing can be a bit more challenging; at the end of the day, it really does take a village to raise a child. Parenting does not come with a handbook, as much as we wish it did, and the decision to have children is one that we as human beings make in very different ways according to a variety of factors, such as: finances, age, and stage of life, among other things. You are welcome to reference to any of our other articles published in the past regarding child rearing and parenting, and are always open to reaching out to any of our therapists for additional support and guidance with parenting, child development, and/or couple’s counseling if you feel that child rearing differences are affecting your relationship with your partner. Remember to use this link to reach out to us and leave your contact information so we can get back to you regarding availability and which therapist would be a good fit. We are a click away!

Coping With the Stress Infertility May Have On Your Relationship by Kathleen Chandler, LMSW, PMH-C

Infertility is a complex life crisis; research correlates it to higher rates of depression and anxiety. It is emotionally stressful, psychologically threatening, economically expensive, and it takes a physical toll. Many people experience shame, and struggle with how to talk about it, with their partner, family, and friends. If you have a partner, remember that each of you are feeling separate emotions, thoughts, wants, and needs. What stresses one partner out, may not stress the other, and vice versa. It is important to prioritize your own wellbeing, in addition to your relationship.

Here are a few tips to help you, and your partner, cope with Infertility:

Find Support

Identify who you can talk to about your infertility journey. Think of family, friends, and colleagues that could help you process the experience. The single most impactful thing you can do for your mental health is acquire social support. Join a support group with other people going through the process; you’ll feel less alone.

Identify your Stressors and Coping Mechanisms

This helps increase your self awareness. Do you have anxiety around injections? Is the two-week wait unbearable? Does the day of your beta testing cause you uncontrollable anxiety? The more aware you are of your triggers, the better you’ll be at anticipating your stressors, and developing coping strategies that work for you.

Reframe Your Thinking and Stop Catastrophizing:

Try to stay aware of your self-talk and challenge unhelpful thinking. If you catch yourself thinking, “I’ll never get pregnant”, stop the thought and replace it with a true statement: “I haven’t been pregnant yet, but I am working with a great Reproductive Endocrinology who will help us make the best treatment decision for our situation”. Instead of hyper-focusing on the worst-case scenarios, remind yourself that you don’t know what the future holds. Try asking yourself the counter question to your worst-case scenarios: “what if I never get to be a mom” might become, “what if it all works out!”. If you’re struggling with anxiety and need some help grounding yourself, check out this article by Connor Cohen, LMSW, on managing anxiety with the 3-3-3 rule!

Root Yourself in the Present

Remember to live right now. Try to prioritize doing things that bring you and your partner joy. Your life doesn’t start when you have a baby, your life is happening now. Do your best to plan meaningful activities and get them on the calendar. Make sure you both have things to look forward to!

Practice Self-Care

Take a break, take a nap, listen to music, take a bath, listen to a guided meditation, belly breathe, go for a walk outside, journal, call a friend, garden, sit by a body of water, color/paint/draw, sit in silence, go for a drive, notice your body, spend time with an animal, put your phone down or pick it up. Whatever you do, be intentional. Ask yourself what you need and do it.

Connect, Connect, Connect

Whether you need a daily 15-minute or a weekly 30-minute talk; schedule a time and duration for a stress-reducing re-connecting conversation that works for your family. When you decide how much time to allot, remember to divide the time in half; that is how much time each partner will have as the speaker and listener, as you’ll switch roles.

The Listener’s job is to:

-Focus on emotion and experience: What are you feeling right now?

-Empathize and Validate: “Of course, you feel sad, Honey. That’s normal, I feel sad too”

-Never minimize your partners experience or emotions!

The listener can ask their partner questions like:

-What was your biggest fear this week?

-What triggers have you had recently?

-What is the most upsetting to you, right now?

The Speaker’s job is to:

-Connect with the partner by naming feelings, sharing emotions and thoughts.

-Receive empathy, comfort, and love.

Therapeutic Interventions:

Psychotherapy, Interpersonal Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Couples Therapy are all evidence-based practices that can help your mental health during infertility. If you are struggling and would like some support, feel free to reach out to one of our therapists! We are just a click away!