Do you have to love parenting 24/7 like in TV and movies? By Amanda Young, LCSW

Absolutely not! Parenting is one of the most important assignments that you will have in your life that will feel like it is not complete. Having someone to choose you and be solely dependent on you until they are of adult age, sometimes longer, can be very challenging.  I believe that we tend to fantasize about parenting and don’t understand how draining it could be emotionally, mentally and physically. Growing up we all might have wondered about being parents due to the influence of our parents or grandparents. Based on our experience or observation of our own parents, might have prompted us to think parenting isn’t too bad.  Due to our parents and grandparents, it seemed like being a parent was like a cake walk right? Being oblivious to the challenges,  not knowing that the assignment is heavily weighted with responsibilities, obstacles, tests and more importantly unconditional love which would evoke every emotion in us. 

 We might believe that being a parent, you have to do everything right and love your job as a parent and kids all the time. Witnessing other parent’s having meltdowns, storming off from their kids or simply not wanting to be bothered is absurd. Thinking to ourselves while watching other parents, saying, “this is what you signed up for and you should not show frustration or tell your kid that you “don’t be like them today” is something we might not understand. Oh I will never do that because I love my kids. But the reality is we are all human and we live in the real world. 

There are different stages of parenting, (commander, coach, counselor and consultant.) we will encounter that and will have you asking yourself. “What was I thinking?” during the most challenging ones. Some of us are able to make it through the stages with minimal challenges while others weather a variety of challenges. These challenges will either make us or break us. There are times that we would like to forget about being a parent, escape the responsibilities and enjoy some alone time but most importantly some quiet time. And guess what, that is ok!

Parenting didn’t come with a definite 100 percent happiness stamp. There are no guarantees while weather the different stages.  There is no cookie cutter way to parent a child because they are different. There is no correct way to brainstorm problems or to problem solve when issues arise.  So to be honest, no it is not ideal or realistic to think that we will love parenting 24/7 and that is ok. We are human and imperfect beings. Just show up and do your best. If you don’t like the task of parenting all the time, that is ok, the world will not end. You are doing great! 

Reconciling a Different In Parenting Styles with Your Partner by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Parenting styles are things we pick up from a variety of sources, such as: parenting books, social media posts, podcasts, YouTube videos, and maybe our own parents/family members. When and if we make the decision to start our own families, the realization that it takes two to parent can be one that is eye opening and may have the ability to cause conflicts between partners. Today’s focus is going to be on how to reconcile a difference in parenting styles with your partner/spouse.

Acceptance. First things first…accept that you two are different individuals, who were raised by a different set of parents, who potentially grew up in different parts of the world (as in my situation), and will undoubtedly parent in very different ways. Going into parenthood with the notion that you and your partner will be child rearing in sync is very unrealistic and can be damaging to your relationship. Take the time to meditate if needed, particularly when you are faced with your partner doing a big parenting no-no, and approach it with a grain of salt. With some patience and communication, remember that you will do your best to be able to explain your rationale and method of parenting nonetheless, as well as how you can approach it together.

Communicate. As simple as it sounds, communicating is something that we often may put to the side or not achieve in the best way possible. Obviously, if we’re not communicating with our partner that we feel a need to discuss child rearing procedures and methods, how will we ever come to a resolution? Communicating with your partner that you feel a difference in the way you two parent your kid(s) should definitely be done in a moment of calm, not in a heightened state while your toddler is throwing a full blown tantrum because you peeled her banana and she wanted to do it herself (been there, done that!). Getting your message across is not as simple as it seems, however; you and your partner may come from varying cultural backgrounds, walks of life, and have parents who had very different ways of raising their children. Having a one-on-one conversation of how you would or would not like to tag team in parenting your children should be a very conscious one done at the proper time and in the appropriate situation.

All in all, if you are a single parent relying on family/friends for support, having this conversation with others who assist with childcare and/or child rearing can be a bit more challenging; at the end of the day, it really does take a village to raise a child. Parenting does not come with a handbook, as much as we wish it did, and the decision to have children is one that we as human beings make in very different ways according to a variety of factors, such as: finances, age, and stage of life, among other things. You are welcome to reference to any of our other articles published in the past regarding child rearing and parenting, and are always open to reaching out to any of our therapists for additional support and guidance with parenting, child development, and/or couple’s counseling if you feel that child rearing differences are affecting your relationship with your partner. Remember to use this link to reach out to us and leave your contact information so we can get back to you regarding availability and which therapist would be a good fit. We are a click away!

What Are the Drawbacks of Permissive Parenting? by Kathleen Chandler, LMSW, PMH-C

Are you practicing permissive parenting? Do you bribe with food, toys, and candy to prevent or stop a tantrum? Do you have a hard time setting boundaries and limits for your kids? If so, you might be practicing permissive parenting. 

We all want the best for our kids! Permissive parenting is often warm, connected, sensitive, and responsive. Those are awesome strengths; permissive parenting isn’t all bad! The problem with this style of parenting is that you’re preventing your child from experiencing and expressing their full range of emotion; therefore, preventing emotional regulation. 

Studies have correlated permissive parenting to the following:

1)    Lower levels of academic achievement

2)    Higher rates of school misconduct

3)    Increased alcohol use among teenagers

4)    Increased gaming addiction in children/teens

Children thrive on predictability and boundary setting; it is okay to say no. In fact, you need to say no; more importantly, you need to follow through with the limits you set. Why? For starters, setting boundaries helps children feel safe; children experience anxiety when they cannot predict your response. When you set a limit for your child you are helping them develop important life skills! They learn what practicing patience feels like, they figure out how to problem solve and become resourceful, they take responsibility, and they learn self-discipline. Most importantly, they know that you can handle their big feelings, and that negative feelings don’t need to be avoided at all costs. It is normal and healthy to experience frustration, anger, and disappointment. Let your child work through their feelings with you by their side. 

A boundary is not a punishment. You can be loving, kind, and firm with your boundaries. 

It is your job to make final decisions regarding safety, health, routine, education, etc. You can include your child in setting limits and boundaries, according to their stage of development. Involve them in the process! Just make sure that you are holding them accountable for the boundary that was created. 

If you’re new to setting boundaries, I suggest using The Five Essential Steps of Emotion Coaching by Dr. John Gottman.

1)    Be aware of your child’s emotion

2)    Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching

3)    Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings

4)    Help your child learn to label their emotions with words

5)    Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately.

If you practice these techniques, your child will be able to work through their big feelings to the boundaries set, with you by their side. You can continue to be warm, responsive, and connected; and set boundaries. 

If setting limits for your child causes you anxiety therapy can help! If you’re triggered by your child’s negative feelings; you’re likely triggered by your own negative feelings. Our therapists can help you work through what is coming up for you and help you strengthen your parenting skills! Reach out today for help.