Conflict Resolution Tips by Connor Cohen, LMSW

It's normal to fight. It's normal to feel angry. It's normal to get frustrated. It is normal to have conflict. This is especially true when it comes to those that we love. Any time we spend with the same people over and over, we're bound to ruffle some feathers. They can be the best person in the world oh, our favorite person, the love of our life, and yet we can be in conflict with them. Even when we agree 100% (which let's face it, probably doesn't happen)  we can still feel  the flames of conflict creeping up.  So what do we do when we are in conflict with her significant other? Do we yell and scream? Do we bottle it all up and hold it inside only for it to come out one day?  In a perfect world, we would have other ways to deal with this conflict.  We would always know just what to say, we open and upfront with our emotions,  we would be understanding of our partner's perspective and conflicts would feel just like a small bump in the road or if you are just slightly turning the steering wheel to avoid a hazard. And while we may not live in a perfect world, we can still respond to conflict in a way that honors both our self and our partner and each of our perspectives within the conflict.

Step one: Take a step back.  Oftentimes In the heat of the moment when the flames of conflict are highest,  we can forget that the person that we're arguing with is the one that we love.  We forget all those soft and Sweet Moments with them,  we forget how they were there for us in our darkest moments,  we forget how they make us laugh and how they make us smile,  all we see in this moment is the conflict.  We see right and wrong black and white.  Now it's natural to want to be correct, I think we all enjoy being right but sometimes in the moment taking a step back, maybe even physically to remind ourselves that there is more in the relationship than this one moment of conflict can be  super important to helping us navigate the conflict.

Step Two: Remember that it is you and your partner versus the conflict.  As we've already discussed we can often feel as though it is us versus them, their ideas versus ours.  But there's another perspective to take. If we can detach ourselves from the conflict of the heat of the moment of the emotions of the moment,  we can see that both sides  want a resolution. In conflict we both want the same goal, we just have different visions of how to get there.  The sooner we see that we both want the same things,  the sooner we realize we can work together to get those things.  It would be like if you thought the best way to get to work is taking the highway to the left and your partner views the best way as the highway to the right.  The second you realize that you both simply want  to find the easiest way to work,  we can begin to build on mutual ground. 

Step Three:  If needed when emotions are high, set aside time for 5 and 10 minute breaks.  Oftentimes strong emotions bring on strong emotions. Big reactions get even bigger reactions.  If during a conflict or argument feelings are just escalating,  set aside time to step away.  This not only gives each person time to really think about what they're trying to say,  but it also gives time for our logical brain to kick back on after utilizing our emotional brain.  When we fight our emotional brain takes over,  by giving space and time away from the strong emotions and feelings and conflict,  new perspectives can be better appreciated.  In the heat of the moment We may not be open to hearing what our partner believes is the best option but after five or 10 minutes away we may start to consider it or we may even be more open to it than before.

Step four:  If needed, reach out for help.  It's not always easy navigating conflict and arguments and fights.  If conflict was easy I don't think it would be called conflict.  If you and a loved one feel as though your conflicts create tension and displeasure with the relationship,  our wonderful therapist here at Niyyah would be more than happy to provide an impartial and fair helping hand. Reach out today to schedule your session today and learn how to better manage relational conflict.

Reconciling a Different In Parenting Styles with Your Partner by Nabiha Hasan, LMSW

Parenting styles are things we pick up from a variety of sources, such as: parenting books, social media posts, podcasts, YouTube videos, and maybe our own parents/family members. When and if we make the decision to start our own families, the realization that it takes two to parent can be one that is eye opening and may have the ability to cause conflicts between partners. Today’s focus is going to be on how to reconcile a difference in parenting styles with your partner/spouse.

Acceptance. First things first…accept that you two are different individuals, who were raised by a different set of parents, who potentially grew up in different parts of the world (as in my situation), and will undoubtedly parent in very different ways. Going into parenthood with the notion that you and your partner will be child rearing in sync is very unrealistic and can be damaging to your relationship. Take the time to meditate if needed, particularly when you are faced with your partner doing a big parenting no-no, and approach it with a grain of salt. With some patience and communication, remember that you will do your best to be able to explain your rationale and method of parenting nonetheless, as well as how you can approach it together.

Communicate. As simple as it sounds, communicating is something that we often may put to the side or not achieve in the best way possible. Obviously, if we’re not communicating with our partner that we feel a need to discuss child rearing procedures and methods, how will we ever come to a resolution? Communicating with your partner that you feel a difference in the way you two parent your kid(s) should definitely be done in a moment of calm, not in a heightened state while your toddler is throwing a full blown tantrum because you peeled her banana and she wanted to do it herself (been there, done that!). Getting your message across is not as simple as it seems, however; you and your partner may come from varying cultural backgrounds, walks of life, and have parents who had very different ways of raising their children. Having a one-on-one conversation of how you would or would not like to tag team in parenting your children should be a very conscious one done at the proper time and in the appropriate situation.

All in all, if you are a single parent relying on family/friends for support, having this conversation with others who assist with childcare and/or child rearing can be a bit more challenging; at the end of the day, it really does take a village to raise a child. Parenting does not come with a handbook, as much as we wish it did, and the decision to have children is one that we as human beings make in very different ways according to a variety of factors, such as: finances, age, and stage of life, among other things. You are welcome to reference to any of our other articles published in the past regarding child rearing and parenting, and are always open to reaching out to any of our therapists for additional support and guidance with parenting, child development, and/or couple’s counseling if you feel that child rearing differences are affecting your relationship with your partner. Remember to use this link to reach out to us and leave your contact information so we can get back to you regarding availability and which therapist would be a good fit. We are a click away!

Coping With the Stress Infertility May Have On Your Relationship by Kathleen Chandler, LMSW, PMH-C

Infertility is a complex life crisis; research correlates it to higher rates of depression and anxiety. It is emotionally stressful, psychologically threatening, economically expensive, and it takes a physical toll. Many people experience shame, and struggle with how to talk about it, with their partner, family, and friends. If you have a partner, remember that each of you are feeling separate emotions, thoughts, wants, and needs. What stresses one partner out, may not stress the other, and vice versa. It is important to prioritize your own wellbeing, in addition to your relationship.

Here are a few tips to help you, and your partner, cope with Infertility:

Find Support

Identify who you can talk to about your infertility journey. Think of family, friends, and colleagues that could help you process the experience. The single most impactful thing you can do for your mental health is acquire social support. Join a support group with other people going through the process; you’ll feel less alone.

Identify your Stressors and Coping Mechanisms

This helps increase your self awareness. Do you have anxiety around injections? Is the two-week wait unbearable? Does the day of your beta testing cause you uncontrollable anxiety? The more aware you are of your triggers, the better you’ll be at anticipating your stressors, and developing coping strategies that work for you.

Reframe Your Thinking and Stop Catastrophizing:

Try to stay aware of your self-talk and challenge unhelpful thinking. If you catch yourself thinking, “I’ll never get pregnant”, stop the thought and replace it with a true statement: “I haven’t been pregnant yet, but I am working with a great Reproductive Endocrinology who will help us make the best treatment decision for our situation”. Instead of hyper-focusing on the worst-case scenarios, remind yourself that you don’t know what the future holds. Try asking yourself the counter question to your worst-case scenarios: “what if I never get to be a mom” might become, “what if it all works out!”. If you’re struggling with anxiety and need some help grounding yourself, check out this article by Connor Cohen, LMSW, on managing anxiety with the 3-3-3 rule!

Root Yourself in the Present

Remember to live right now. Try to prioritize doing things that bring you and your partner joy. Your life doesn’t start when you have a baby, your life is happening now. Do your best to plan meaningful activities and get them on the calendar. Make sure you both have things to look forward to!

Practice Self-Care

Take a break, take a nap, listen to music, take a bath, listen to a guided meditation, belly breathe, go for a walk outside, journal, call a friend, garden, sit by a body of water, color/paint/draw, sit in silence, go for a drive, notice your body, spend time with an animal, put your phone down or pick it up. Whatever you do, be intentional. Ask yourself what you need and do it.

Connect, Connect, Connect

Whether you need a daily 15-minute or a weekly 30-minute talk; schedule a time and duration for a stress-reducing re-connecting conversation that works for your family. When you decide how much time to allot, remember to divide the time in half; that is how much time each partner will have as the speaker and listener, as you’ll switch roles.

The Listener’s job is to:

-Focus on emotion and experience: What are you feeling right now?

-Empathize and Validate: “Of course, you feel sad, Honey. That’s normal, I feel sad too”

-Never minimize your partners experience or emotions!

The listener can ask their partner questions like:

-What was your biggest fear this week?

-What triggers have you had recently?

-What is the most upsetting to you, right now?

The Speaker’s job is to:

-Connect with the partner by naming feelings, sharing emotions and thoughts.

-Receive empathy, comfort, and love.

Therapeutic Interventions:

Psychotherapy, Interpersonal Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Couples Therapy are all evidence-based practices that can help your mental health during infertility. If you are struggling and would like some support, feel free to reach out to one of our therapists! We are just a click away!

How is Remote Working Still Affecting Couples? by Connor Cohen, LMSW

The pandemic has been a bit of an ebb and flow. Cases have gone up and down, all while time has marched continually onward. It’s a bit strange to look back and think about how we collectively thought of the pandemic in March of 2020. It was scary and unknown and it began a trend of work from home. At the time we probably thought that it would be anywhere from two weeks to maybe a month or two of this change. And yet as of writing this, it is now March of 2022 and many of us are still at home. 

Working from home has created a lot of new changes and challenges both on a personal and interpersonal level. In the beginning, mainy of our issues may have been revolving around initial cohesion of working and living from home with our loved ones. In the early stages, maybe you had trouble finding a space in your home for you and your significant other to work at the same time. As time has marched on, we have no doubt found ways to adjust but some challenges may still exist and new ones may have even popped up along the way. 

One issue that may be affecting you and your loved one is the issue of scheduling. With work from home comes an adjustment to our schedule.  Not only is it more difficult to discern home time and work time when your workspace is now your living room, but schedules with your loved one may be conflicting and leading to tension and uncomfortability. It can be difficult when one person in a relationship works late into the night, not only does that eat into your time as a couple, but it potentially robs one partner of their space for that scheduled time. For example, if one partner is working late hours after the other partner has finished their work for the day, the partner that is done may just want to relax and enjoy their space at home. Due to the working partner, this person is forced to remain quiet, unseen and out of the space where the working partner conducts work. If not properly discussed and communicated, it can certainly be a frustrating scenario. 

Another issue that may still be arising is the issue of time. We all love our partner but let’s face it, sometimes there can be a feeling of spending too much time with someone. It can happen with family members and it can happen with significant others. We all naturally need our space and our own time to simply be by ourselves. Without the natural separation of work, tensions can build between couples, especially in cases where that couple is missing open and honest communication. To be honest, work is naturally stressful. Often in relationships before the pandemic, our partners did not have to deal with that stress directly, we had time away from our partner to cool down and process events that happened at work. In today’s day and age, we are seeing our partner right when the situation or stress is occurring so naturally, some tempers may flare from time to time. As a loving partner our natural instinct is probably to try and comfort our loved ones in those moments but our partner may be feeling overwhelmed with stress and act frustrated at these attempts to help. 

So what do we do in this work from home life? Step one: communicate, even when it feels difficult. No matter how long we have been with our partner, they can’t read our minds. Step two: Find ways to set boundaries with work and with home. It can be difficult to do but it is completely necessary. One helpful example is to stop talking about work after a certain time you and your partner agree on and try to stick to it. The key is to try to find a balance between letting work time feel like work and letting home still feel like home. 

If you or a loved one are struggling to communicate with the challenges that come from work from home life, don’t be afraid to contact a professional for help. Our therapists here at Niyyah can help you and your loved one find a healthier coexistence with work and home.