Infertility is a complex life crisis; research correlates it to higher rates of depression and anxiety. It is emotionally stressful, psychologically threatening, economically expensive, and it takes a physical toll. Many people experience shame, and struggle with how to talk about it, with their partner, family, and friends. If you have a partner, remember that each of you are feeling separate emotions, thoughts, wants, and needs. What stresses one partner out, may not stress the other, and vice versa. It is important to prioritize your own wellbeing, in addition to your relationship.
Here are a few tips to help you, and your partner, cope with Infertility:
Find Support
Identify who you can talk to about your infertility journey. Think of family, friends, and colleagues that could help you process the experience. The single most impactful thing you can do for your mental health is acquire social support. Join a support group with other people going through the process; you’ll feel less alone.
Identify your Stressors and Coping Mechanisms
This helps increase your self awareness. Do you have anxiety around injections? Is the two-week wait unbearable? Does the day of your beta testing cause you uncontrollable anxiety? The more aware you are of your triggers, the better you’ll be at anticipating your stressors, and developing coping strategies that work for you.
Reframe Your Thinking and Stop Catastrophizing:
Try to stay aware of your self-talk and challenge unhelpful thinking. If you catch yourself thinking, “I’ll never get pregnant”, stop the thought and replace it with a true statement: “I haven’t been pregnant yet, but I am working with a great Reproductive Endocrinology who will help us make the best treatment decision for our situation”. Instead of hyper-focusing on the worst-case scenarios, remind yourself that you don’t know what the future holds. Try asking yourself the counter question to your worst-case scenarios: “what if I never get to be a mom” might become, “what if it all works out!”. If you’re struggling with anxiety and need some help grounding yourself, check out this article by Connor Cohen, LMSW, on managing anxiety with the 3-3-3 rule!
Root Yourself in the Present
Remember to live right now. Try to prioritize doing things that bring you and your partner joy. Your life doesn’t start when you have a baby, your life is happening now. Do your best to plan meaningful activities and get them on the calendar. Make sure you both have things to look forward to!
Practice Self-Care
Take a break, take a nap, listen to music, take a bath, listen to a guided meditation, belly breathe, go for a walk outside, journal, call a friend, garden, sit by a body of water, color/paint/draw, sit in silence, go for a drive, notice your body, spend time with an animal, put your phone down or pick it up. Whatever you do, be intentional. Ask yourself what you need and do it.
Connect, Connect, Connect
Whether you need a daily 15-minute or a weekly 30-minute talk; schedule a time and duration for a stress-reducing re-connecting conversation that works for your family. When you decide how much time to allot, remember to divide the time in half; that is how much time each partner will have as the speaker and listener, as you’ll switch roles.
The Listener’s job is to:
-Focus on emotion and experience: What are you feeling right now?
-Empathize and Validate: “Of course, you feel sad, Honey. That’s normal, I feel sad too”
-Never minimize your partners experience or emotions!
The listener can ask their partner questions like:
-What was your biggest fear this week?
-What triggers have you had recently?
-What is the most upsetting to you, right now?
The Speaker’s job is to:
-Connect with the partner by naming feelings, sharing emotions and thoughts.
-Receive empathy, comfort, and love.
Therapeutic Interventions:
Psychotherapy, Interpersonal Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Couples Therapy are all evidence-based practices that can help your mental health during infertility. If you are struggling and would like some support, feel free to reach out to one of our therapists! We are just a click away!