What is Parental Burnout? By Kathleen Chandler, LMSW, PMH-C

Parental burnout is the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual exhaustion from the ongoing demands and chronic stress of parenting. A lot of parents are feeling burnout right now! It is, after all, an incredibly overwhelming and challenging time to be a parent in the USA; two plus years of a pandemic, gun violence, formula shortages, natural disasters, war, and partisan politics. If you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and burned out right now; allow yourself permission to feel that way. You are not alone!

We are not our best selves when we are feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. As parents, it is important for us to practice self-soothing. First, because it is in your best interest; nobody feels good when they are overstimulated and overburdened. Second, because we want to model self-soothing for our children. We are our children’s calm; we need to be able to help them soothe.

Are you able to call a friend to vent? Can you schedule time away from your children to re-energize? Some of us have more support than others; don’t be afraid to ask for help from those you do have in your circle.

Many people cope by scrolling, overworking, shopping, or drinking alcohol. These are ways we escape having to feel. However, those coping strategies most often leave us feeling worse and they are not sustainable. Before you snap and yell at your child, go inward, toward yourself, and practice self-soothing.

If you are unable to use your support system and schedule some time away, you can use TIPP to help self-regulate:

Temperature: Cooling your body down can emotionally "cool" you down too. Place an Ice cube on the back of your neck or run cold water over your wrists.

Intense Exercise: Increased oxygen and endorphins help decrease stress chemicals. Go run up and down your stairs several times!

Deep Breathing: Increased oxygen activates our parasympathetic (calming) nervous system. Practice Square Breathing: Inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. Repeat as necessary.

Paired Muscle Relaxation: The body responds to stress with muscle tension. PMR helps release the tension and thus reduces stress in the body.

If you are feeling inundated with chronic stress and constantly triggered, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist at Niyyah Counseling today! All our therapists are qualified to help you meet your mental health goals. Click here to check out our therapists: https://www.niyyahcounselingpllc.com/our-team. Feel free to reach out and interview our therapists to find the right fit for you! We offer free 15-minute consultations for your convenience.

Why Second Parent Adoption is Imperative in Today’s Political Climate. (Roe vs Wade and future implications of Obergefell) by Kathleen Chandler, LMSW PMH-C

After the Supreme Court’s draft to overturn Roe vs Wade was leaked last week, many people in the LGBT+ community became terrified that Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. 644, 135 S. Ct. 2584, 192 L. Ed. 2d 609 (2015) could be next. These are very valid fears; it is normal to worry when real threats present themselves.

What can one do to reduce anxiety about something that feels so out of our control? They can identify the things they can control and get to work! One way an LGBTQIA+ family can guarantee they are protected is by establishing the “legal parentage” of both parents. It is likely that both parents are on the birth certificate; however, that does not establish legal parentage

Some people feel falsely protected by the birth certificate, especially if they are in a liberal state. However, it is important to remember that the laws are different in every state. If the family travels to a state that does not recognize their parentage, one parent could be denied the ability to make medical decisions for their child should something happen.

Second Parent Adoption guarantees your parentage. If you have not yet established your parental rights, you risk losing rights to your child.

I understand how incredibly frustrating and disheartening it is to have to adopt your own child! Opposite sex spouses are automatically guaranteed a right that LGBTIA+ parents are not. The injustice can feel so toxic that you may want to avoid anything to do with the process. If you feel like your emotions are holding you back from the proceedings, I encourage you to try the following:

Stop

Take a break from thinking about it. Ruminating and catastrophizing will only cause you more anxiety.

Practice Self-Validation

Which may sound like, “it makes sense that I am feeling scared by all the uncertainty right now” or “I am struggling that this process is an injustice and that is okay”.

Practice Self-Soothing

When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the idea, or process, do something that soothes you: drink a warm beverage, take a bath, go for a run, listen to music, turn on a guided meditation, sit in nature. Whatever works for you!

Be Mindful of your co existing thoughts and feelings without judgment i.e. “This is ridiculous! I shouldn’t have to adopt my own child” AND “I would feel so much better if my legal parentage were undeniable”.

(Finally, when you’re ready)

ACT

use SMART goals to get a plan together. You can start by finding lawyer that specializes in Second Parent Adoptions in your state: https://connectingrainbows.org/lawyer-directory/

If you find that you still feel too overwhelmed or emotional about the topic, feel free to reach out to one of our therapists! We are here to support you and guide you through the journey.

Signs of Toxic Parenting by Kathleen Chandler LMSW PMH-C

There is no such thing as perfect parenting; we all make mistakes! Some parents are trying their very best to be empathetic and nurturing. Other parents are not aware they are actively harming their children (some are aware).  A lot of people parent their children how they were parented without giving much thought to patterns and cycles of abuse.

It is important that we are reflective about how we were parented (what we liked and what we didn’t) and how we are currently parenting (what we feel we are doing well and what we could be working on).

Below are some common parenting traits we should all try to avoid:

Physical Abuse: Physically harming your child out of anger or frustration. You cannot control your emotional response to hit, pinch, slap, spank, kick (or any other form of physical discipline) when your child frustrates or angers you.

Overreacting: You fly off the handle easily and are emotionally out-of-control. Something small might be blown out of proportion and then you become overly frustrated, angry, and/or verbally abusive.

Controlling: You are incredibly controlling with unreasonable demands and expectations. You might find yourself getting into power struggles with your children and micromanaging them.

Critical: You rarely have a positive thing to say about, or to, your child. You offer more “feedback” than praise or neutral statements. You criticize things like clothing, choice of friends, sports performance, physical appearance.

Bullying: You mock your child and/or make fun of them for their likes, dislikes, fears, dreams, accomplishments, failures, and who they are as a person.

Self-Centered: Always putting the needs of self, over the needs of the child. Cannot be the “bigger person” in a disagreement and “must win” because “you are the parent”.          

Gaslighting: Even when you know your child is right, you tell them they are wrong, or say it never happened the way they recall it.

Dismissive: You tend to dismiss your child’s negative emotions. You tell them to stop crying and or that their feelings do not matter.

Emotionally unavailable: You rarely exhibit warmth and kindness to your child. You do not provide them with loving emotional support. You’re all about “business”.

If you find yourself struggling with any of the above, don’t beat yourself up! In fact, read this article: https://www.niyyahcounselingpllc.com/blog/how-to-make-peace-with-parenting-mistakes-by-nabiha-hasan-lmsw. There! Did you read it? Now try to give yourself some grace and then get to work!

Click here https://www.niyyahcounselingpllc.com/our-team to read the bios of our therapists. Pick out a couple of therapists who may be a good fit for you and schedule a free 15-minute consultation. Every parent could use a little guidance and support; parenting is hard. Reach out today!

How Does Social Media Affect Your Parenting Style? By Nabiha Hasan

Social media undoubtedly has its pros as well as its cons. As a mental health therapist, a mother, and pretty much considering the multiple roles that I play, I personally have my reservations about social media and don’t hesitate to explore these considerations with my clients if they mention feeling unsure or are somehow affected by social media. As parents, there are several things which can influence our parenting styles, and the tricky thing about social media is that what you see is not always what’s behind the photo or post. Social media has an impact on parenting in several different shapes, forms, and fashions - read on to find out more about how so.

Picture perfect. Instagram posts, TikToks, Snapchat stories, and whatever else is in between are catered to show you only the ultimately perfect side of people’s lives and homes. Anyone who is a parent, however, knows that there is no part of parenting which is perfect - it can get messy, real, and just a bit complicated. Taking part in observing or trying to mimic this perfection is unhealthy, unrealistic, and can lead to damaging expectations as a parent. Noticing another mom’s spotless living room on camera, untouched kitchen, or daily color coordinated outfits with her mini me’s can cause one to rethink about priorities and possibilities. 

The end goal. Ultimately, what is your role as a parent? What are some of your aspirations, goals, and hopes for your child? If you’re like most parents, the closing at the end of a long day with your little ones is not defined by whether or not your house is clean, your outfits are perfectly matching, or the number of likes you got on your most recent post - as parents, we are all striving and on this rollercoaster of parenthood together in our own separate ways in efforts to raise strong, confident, and intelligent human beings who will positively impact society and repeat the beautiful cycle of life.

You are the parent of your child. Social media parents are only parents to their own children, not to the children of the world. You know your child better than anyone else on earth, and you also know which approaches work best for her or him. A parent of three who uses the love and logic or 1-2-3 parenting style may not work for you as a parent of one, because your child’s personality and temperament are different and unique.

If you feel that social media is affecting your ability to parent or is causing you to second your capabilities as a mother or father, contact any of our therapists at Niyyah Counseling for support or to help you walk through your emotions. You are also more than welcome to check out our blog posts here on our website to read more about articles our team has written regarding the various aspects of parenting. Our therapists are trained in child development and have worked with parents of children of all ages - therapy is just a click away.

Coparenting with Someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Diagnosis by Kathleen Chandler, LMSW, PMH-C

Co-parenting with someone who has a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is nearly impossible; co-parenting involves two parents coming together to make parenting decisions that are in the best interest of their child. Unfortunately, someone with NPD only thinks of their own best interest, so you’ll need to practice something called parallel parenting. 

What is Parallel Parenting? It means, as much as possible, you will each parent in your own lane, to reduce the amount of future co-parent decision making. To make this work, you’ll need to do as much pre-planning as possible during the initial agreements of your parenting plan. Think ahead and make sure everything discussed is written into your legal agreements. 

Example of things to consider: 

·      How often will you each have your child?

·      What will the schedule be? Holidays?

·      What time is drop off and pick up?

·      Where will it be located -is a public space best?

·      How will you handle sick days and emergencies?

·      Who will attend doctor appointments, therapy, haircuts?

·      You may need to think of things like clothing and toys. Will the child have two wardrobes? Do they need to come home in what they left in? Will your teenager get to decide what they wear? 

The following tips are intended to guide and support your Parallel Parenting journey:

Set and Hold Boundaries

Try to think of this as a wonderful opportunity to be your child’s shining beacon of example for healthy boundary setting. Lucky you! 

Document, Document, Document 

Make sure all parenting communication is written (Text or Email). This will help you hold boundaries and keep agreements made. 

Be your Child’s Advocate

Every child needs at least one stable, predictable, loving adult in their life; and that gets to be you! As much as possible parent with empathy, their other parent won’t be able to nurture them with true empathy. 

Practice Self-Care

Make sure that you are taking the time needed to nurture yourself. You will need to have a healthy reserve level to deal with the chaos that comes with co-parenting with someone with NPD.  (reword) 

If you find yourself in this situation it is important that you have people in your life who understand the complexities of what is going on. Talking to friends and family may be frustrating. No matter how frustrated you feel, it is important that you never engage in triangulation, by venting to your child about their second parent. The best person to talk to is a professional who understands the manipulative tactics they’ll likely continue to use. 

Feel free to reach out to any of our team members. We are here to support and guide you!