Fighting has been a part of our human existence for millenia. In the past, we would fight for land, for freedom and for love. Nowadays, we may not individually fight for land or our freedoms but we still hold a soft spot in our hearts about fighting for love. It can get confusing though when fighting for love looks more like fighting with those we are in love with. So is this normal? Is my relationship doomed to fail if we fight? Short answer: YES IT IS NORMAL and NO fighting with your significant other does not mean that the relationship is doomed.
Firstly, what does it mean to fight with your significant other? I feel as though I should not have to say this but fighting with your significant other should NEVER look like physically putting hands on one another out of frustration, anger, or to “get your point across”. That is not a fight, that is abuse. While we are on the topic, abuse can take a lot of different shapes between you and your partner. Abuse does not have to only be physical or sexual in nature, it can be emotional, verbal, or even financial. To learn more about abuse and to find resources. Follow this link.
Fighting is a very normal product of life. Think back to when you were young and would live with your caregivers and possibly siblings. Any time we spend in close proximity with another person over a period of time, it is only natural for tempers to flair and for buttons to get pushed. A relationship with your significant other is no different. Buttons will get pushed and emotions will be felt and felt strongly. A fight can look different depending on your relationship. For some couples, it is a mild disagreement, for others it involves yelling, possibly screaming and maybe even a few tears.
So how do we know if our fighting is abnormal or a problem? Well we can attack this issue from a few points.
How often are the fights/disagreements? If you and your significant other are fighting more often than not, it may be time to address some underlying issues.
How intense are the fights? As I said above, some couples fight intensely with words and yell and scream. Just because it is normal for some couples to do, does not mean that there is no improvement to be made. If the intensity of the fights are mentally, physically and emotionally draining then it may be time to address the issues at hand in another way or with professional help.
Are the fights you vs. your significant other or you and your partner vs. the issue or disagreement? There is a big difference between being angry at your partner and being frustrated at a lack of communication or a misunderstanding.
Are the arguments/fights leading to change or a shift in perspective? Fighting for the sake of fighting is not a healthy way to fight. Fighting to be understood or heard is arguably a healthy fight to have. If at the end of your fights, everything remains the exact same, it may be time to try a new approach.
As we discussed, fights are very normal. If you have had them with your partner, chances are more will pop up from time to time. Just because you and your significant other can have a fight from time to time, does not mean that you are doomed to fail in your relationship. If you and your partner notice a trend in fights, it may be time to address the fights with professional help. Our team here at Niyyah would love to help you navigate these issues and help turn fighting from you vs. them to us vs. the problem.