It is important to keep the lines of communication open with your teen. You want them to know you are always in their corner; they can come to you for anything! The best approach is to begin talking to your kids about sexuality prior to the onset of puberty. The more time you spend discussing sexual matters, the more comfortable you will both be when they are teenagers.
These talks should start as early as birth through toddler years. Teach them to correctly identify and label genitals. Read them developmentally appropriate books (I’ll provide suggestions below). As they start to explore their body, you can teach them that it is normal (it is developmentally appropriate) and let them know, when and where, is an acceptable place to do so. Do not shame your child for bodily exploration; it is natural. Read books that include different types of family structures; and let them know that love is what makes a family.
As they get a little older (2-5) discuss consent, give them autonomy to make decisions regarding their body. Talk to them about boundaries and give them permission to say yes or no to tickling, hugs, and kisses. Talk to your child about appropriate touch and let them know it is safe to come to you if anyone ever touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable.
As they enter school age, you want your child to already have boundaries in place, be confident in saying yes or no to bodily touch and have a general understanding of different family structures. During this time frame, and up until puberty, you’ll want to have regular discussions about sexuality and challenge any misinformation your child might be receiving. You can use examples from books, media, family, school etc. You should also revisit the body and make sure your child has learned about reproductive parts; what they are and how they function. Children with vaginas can start puberty as early as 9 years old, you want to make sure your child is knowledgeable about what will come.
What if you have a teenager and you haven’t discussed any of this?
It’s not too late! Here is how you can talk to your teen about sexuality:
First, it is important you address the awkward or uncomfortable feelings you may have about the topic. You might disclose that your parents never had this talk with you, or how it was super awkward for you when they did.
Second, ask them what they already know. You’ll be surprised to learn how much knowledge they’ve acquired on the topic. If your teen denies knowing much, let them know that it’s normal to not want to discuss this with you but you’re going to start having regular conversations (not lectures) on the topic.
Third, Now is your opportunity to challenge any misinformation they shared and provide them with factual based knowledge.
Fourth, talk to them regularly about it. Ask about their friend’s dating lives. Ask them if they have a crush on anybody, don’t assign gender to who you think they may like; instead, get to know who they like. The more you do it, the easier it will get. Share stories about what it was like for you to date as a teenager. Share stories of your friends. Educate on safe sex practices, schedule them a doctor’s appointment where they can provide access to condoms and birth control. Don’t just share stories of fear and consequences, sexuality is exciting and pleasurable. You want to empower your teens to make healthy choices with consent and safe practices.
READING RESOURCES
Preschool:
What Makes a Baby by Cory Silverberg
The Family Book by Todd Parr
Yes and No by Megan Madison
Love Makes a Family by Sophie Beer
Amazing You by Gail Saltz
Elementary:
Sex is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg
It’s So Amazing by Robbie H. Harris
Middle School:
It’s Perfectly Normal by Robbie Harris
Wait, What? A Comic Book Guide to relationships, bodies, and growing up by Heather Corinna
Teenager:
S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties by Heather Corinna
Let’s Talk About It: The Teen’s Guide to Sex, Relationships, and Being a Human by Erika Moen